Say what you will about the ad, personally I think it’s pretty low to try and repair your image by unearthing (nyuk nyuk) your deceased father’s voice.

That said, Wieden + Kennedy have never been shy to poke at controversy.  In fact they often welcome it, and in many ways it’s a brilliant move.  To some the ad is thought provoking. To others enraging. To virtually all – it stirs a reaction.  The worst thing the first Nike ad with Tiger (post scandal) could have done was to look or feel watered down and ‘safe’. 

And for those who may respect the concept but despise the Machiavellian mindset that made it a reality – take heart!  There are parodies.  The few we’ve found so far are below, but we’ll update this post with more as they appear – and yes…they WILL appear. 

Jimmy Kimmel Live – starts at about 1:45 of the clip and is pretty awesome, and so far the best of the bunch

Remember thisfrom Ferris Bueller?  Ooooh yeeeeeaaaahhh….

Christian Bale will NOT be ignored in the remix (language NSFW)

And this Tarantino-esque version may be the most apt considering Tiger’s day 1 Masters performance

Got a favorite that we haven’t shared?  Or just thoughts on which you like best?  Let us know.  Or just watch The Masters.  It’s what we’re doing.

Update #1 – Colbert kills it (h/t Busbee)

Kirk lands on a planet, something happens, he ends up in the bizarro world where he meets ‘Evil Spock’.  Hilarity ensues.

How do you know Spock is evil?  Umm helllooooo – the goatee.  Must I point out the obvious every time?

I’m reminded of this why?  Tiger Woods has busted out the evil goatee.

This can mean only one of two things:

- The real Tiger Woods — the Ambien taking, porn star shagging Tiger has been kidnapped by agents of Nike and has been replaced by a cyborg.  They would have gone with a non-facial hair version of Cyger Woods, but those are delayed in shipment from China.

- It’s still the real Tiger Woods but he’s sporting the goatee in a subtle FU to the media and everyone else. As if to say, “I’m warm and snuggly on the outside, but this goatee…yeah you know what it’s saying b*tch.”

Which is it?  Hard to say, especially since Woods pretty much was a cyborg before his scandal erupted anyway. 

But if there’s any doubt that this Tiger is evil, then the latest Nike ad that summoned Obi Wan  Earl Woods from the grave should leave no doubt. 

Tiger, who said he has never used his wife or children for marketing purposes, apparently has no issue with digging up the old man to help do some image repair.  That’s class folks.

Here’s some more evil (below) for your viewing pleasure during commercial breaks of The Masters.

Update: Apparently Cyger Woods has gone goatee-less.  Clearly an attempt to distract from his evil-doing prowess.  Or, possibly the real Tiger managed to chew through his bindings, deftly dispatched the guards, phoned Stevie who maneuvered a rescue chopper to the roof of Phil Knights evil mansion/lair/hideout where Tiger was being held and returned to Augusta just in time to pull a Linda Hamilton a la Terminator 1 finishing move on Cyber Woods…and then he casually changed clothes and sauntered to the 1st tee, summarily ripping his drive down the fairway.  At least…that’s how I’m imagining it went down. 

That of course was uttered by Tiger Woods at his anti-press conference/public apology/awkward-moment-of-the-year-nominee, a few weeks ago. 

At that time, many criticized Woods for conducting the scripted apology at the same time as a PGA event that just happened to be sponsored by one of Woods ex’s.  Er, ex-sponsor Accenture, is what I meant.

Was it respectful of Woods to steal borrow the limelight?  Many argued that Woods had no choice.  The timing was the only open window in his rehabilitation.  Never mind the previous three months or so where a similar apology could have been made.  But ok, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.  Surely he wouldn’t do something like that again right?

Wrong.

Yesterday, in the midst of clown shoes Jim Furyk securing his first win in over two years, Woods once again put himself above the game of golf and his colleagues on the tour by doing two contained 5-ish minute interviews that shared absolutely nothing new or interesting.  But it did serve to have many golf fans, writers, bloggers and, oh heck…let’s just say everyone,  tune their TV’s away from Furyk, to watch Woods tell us basically everything is personal and confidential.

Respectful of the game?  Why couldn’t Woods have done the interviews on Monday?

Because it would have been the lead story on Monday and possibly into Tuesday. To bury the news as much as possible, Woods and his team made a disrespectful, but selfishly great move. 

• The NCAA men’s basketball tournament was in the midst of paring down to it’s Sweet 16. 
• The PGA had an event happening. 
• The Healthcare Bill was being debated and (at the time) up in the air as to if it would be passed. 

Woods would never be able to keep this from being widely picked up and written about, re-broadcast etc.  But there is a difference between being the lead on Tues. morning of The Today Show vs. squeezed in as the fourth or fifth segment on Monday morning.  They shorted the news cycle from easily two days to one, or one and a half at worst.  Good for Woods, bad for Furyk and the PGA. 

Respectful?  Not in the least.

Then there are the interviews.  Let me preface this by saying I don’t care what Woods did with his collection of mistresses.  I also don’t think he has any obligation to share those details or be forced to comment on them.  I also fully realize that he cheated after years of temptation and living a life very few can imagine.  Do those things make his behavior acceptable?  Nope.  Does it mean I am repulsed by him because he’s a serial cheater?  Not really.  Of course it’s wrong, and you feel for his family, but it doesn’t impact me personally one way or the other because I am not the kind of person who elevates an athlete to hero status.  Many do, they’re called fans.  I get fans.  I just don’t agree with their practice of idolizing athletes and other celebrities, and being apologists for nearly any transgression their heroes make. 

But back to the interviews - it’s obvious Woods isn’t going to use this disaster as an opportunity to really change who he is, so here are a few requests to Tiger:

• Please don’t waste anyone’s time anymore with these public apologies. They come off as staged, insincere and are utterly unenlightening.
• Please don’t tell me you’re going to be more respectful of the game and then at the two times you’ve had to upstage other players, sponsors and the PGA overall - you’ve done just that.
• Just stop talking.  You’ve said enough by saying nothing.  As you said, actions are all that will matter.  Your actions thus far show you haven’t changed a bit in terms of your controlling and selfish nature. 

Now, maybe I’m wrong.  And Woods really IS committed to changing and showing more respect for the game. If that’s the case then here are a few ideas for Woods to show it by his actions:

• Play more events: I’m not saying a one in four, but wouldn’t it be nice if Woods helped out the game by playing one or two events that may be struggling?  It wouldn’t be just nice.  It would arguably be showing – respect to a game that has given him the opportunity to gain so much.
• Engage: Don’t blow by the autograph line after you’re done signing your card.  Play a pro-am or two. Talk like a real human being to a member of the media you trust (if one exists…heck I’d take Feherty at this point). How about not giving the same lame soundbites in your post-round interviews?  How about DOING post-round interviews regularly?
• Stop tossin’: I’m not even going to get into the swearing piece, because I swear on the course.  Not all the time, and I even successfully transitioned my bad tee shot reaction to “SHOOT!” from another word.  But the club tossing is absurd, and right now the last thing Woods needs is to brain someone with an errant driver toss. Plus, it just makes him look like a jerk.  Again, not a perception that needs a ton of reinforcing right now.

Of course I’ll watch The Masters.  And I won’t root against Woods, just as I’ve never really rooted for him.  I’ve rooted for great action, competition and something to remember. Which Woods has delivered in abudance.  And if he does again I’ll probably enjoy those on course moments much like before.

But where I would root for Woods is for him to do any or all of the above and show by his actions that he really has changed, and gets what respect means.

It’s free – which is more than Tiger can say for his sexting habits.

I’m not too proud to admit I tried it:

Me: Whassup?

Tiger(bot): “For years.  And punish you for not seeing me more.”

Me: Huh?

Tiger(bot): “quiet and secretively we will always be together.”

Me: You’re not making much sense.

Tiger(bot): “Hold you down while I choke you and f*ck that a$$ that I own.”

Me: Mmmm’kaaay then…gotta go!

I feel so dirty.  Like Joslyn James dirty. 

I gotta figure out how to erase these from my phone now before Mrs. Ballz finds them and 9-irons my forehead.

Regardless of whether you think Tiger did a great job, was sincere, insincere or other, one thing is for sure – giving bad news can be tough.

Which is why we want to share a secret to sharing bad news that could not only benefit Tiger in the future – but anyone with an uncomfortable update to deliver.

The secret?  Baby animals.  A few examples:

Guilt tearing at you over a secret you need to share with a pal in your foursome?  No problem.

Oh sure, he’ll be pissed.  But how can it not elicit a few ‘awww’ reactions too.  That’ll soften any blow.

Or what if there’s an after effect from said relationship?

Painful?  Of course.  But the awkward quotient is severely lessened.  I mean, c’mon it’s a baby duck for God’s sake!

It’s not just for bad news.  It can be for that extremely difficult question you need to ask, but aren’t quite sure how to phrase:

OMG. Kittens.  It can’t get more precious you say.  Wanna bet? Feast your eyes below.

For the love of…puppies.  No one could be too hot under the collar if asked this question with those soft brown eyes.  “Why no, I am just fat, thank you.”

Many thanks to the publishers and writers of this book for the sickening cuteness.

It’s vintage Tiger – line ‘em up.  Tell ‘em when to be here, what they can and can’t do, say or ask and let the good times roll.

It even began with the carefully crafted photo op that shows Tiger in his ‘I’m-fit-and-ready-to-kick-all-your-asses’ form. 

The only possible wrinkle in the perfectly crafted plan of Tiger & Co. is if an Alex Miceli-like individual skips past the velvet rope of this so-called press conference and asks a tough question.  Can you say not likely?

That said, be sure to give the previous link a look – it’s awesome and surprisingly candid given it’s on The Golf Channel.

Until Friday though, here’s a preview of how you can expect Tiger & Co. to address the media, his fans and anyone else that dare challenge him, care of R. Lee Emery’s brilliant performance in Full Metal Jacket.

h/t’s to Wei & Waggle

h/t Mike Arauz

Jay-Z – 99 Problems (explicit version)

PS – I don’t care if you’ve seen it already.  Mwah!

But sometimes a little gem comes out and it’s hard to ignore.  Enter John Mayer.

Oh sure, he can maybe be a self-important jackass.  And his music is arguably comparable to theatre majors doing karaoke after three bottles of red wine.

But, we have to say in the latest issue of Rolling Stone, (courtesy of The Superficial thank-you-very-much) he sorta nails what every red blooded American boy has probably thought at one point or another during the entire Tiger scandal. 

“If Tiger Woods only knew when to jack off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.”

Um yeah so well, there’s that. 

However, there is always the risk that Tiger would develop an overly strong grip that caused him to hook his driver and he’d end up in all sorts of hazards and…oh wait, yeah…sooo nevermind.

At the end of the day, Tiger will just need to decide whether he really needs advice from this guy:

T’was the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse…

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,

Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

- Author unknown

Woods is successful, handsome, clean cut, multiracial and recognizable around the world for his dedication, hardwork and focus. These are desirable traits in business and many companies wish to associate their brands with these attributes, which are often embodied by beautiful and talented celebrity spokespeople.

Advertisers often enjoy a halo effect of goodwill when an athlete or other endorser is positively portrayed in the news. Their ads are accentuated. Unfortunately, the same is true when scandal hits.

Tiger Woods currently promotes several major products and services globally, including mainstream consumer products such as Nike, Gatorade and Gillette and lesser known niche, luxury and business services brands such as Tag Heuer, NetJets, Electronic Arts and Accenture. He has previously promoted Buick, American Express, Titleist and General Mills, altogether some of the biggest brands in the world.

Now that he is embroiled in an embarrassing sex scandal saga, there is rampant speculation about whether companies will drop Woods as the face of their brand. Nike and Gatorade have already issued statements of support, however Gatorade has since cut the Gatorade Tiger Focus line of sports drinks, saying sluggish sales were behind the decision, which was already made but not announced prior to the recent tabloid revelations. Tag Heuer this week also made changes.

Regardless, these companies must now accept the bad publicity that comes with being associated with Tiger Woods just as they embraced the excitement and attention that came when he won big and was on top of the world.

Take Accenture, for example. The technology consulting and outsourcing firm was once Andersen Consulting, a spinoff from Arthur Andersen, the former “Big Five” accounting firm that folded after mismanaging audits of Enron. But today Accenture is one of the largest and most successful consulting firms in the world.

The company’s multi-year advertising campaign promises “High performance. Delivered.” The ads feature Tiger Woods, who delivers high performance on the golf course, and encourages business professionals with the slogan “Go on. Be a Tiger,” claiming “We know what it takes to be a Tiger.” Combined with the company’s support of the WGC-Accenture Match Play tournament, the campaign has up until now apparently been a huge success.

But media coverage of the sordid details of Woods’ personal life and the related speculation about its impact on his endorsements has companies such as Accenture in an awkward position. Unlike golf- or sports-related product companies where strength, skill and victory matter, Accenture and other corporations attempted to associate their brands with traits such as Woods’ determination and, um, integrity. Oops.

On one hand, no one knew of Woods’ alleged misdeeds and therefore we cannot blame big brands for affilitating themselves with the best. However, the fact remains that these companies are in the news in a way that they’d rather not be now.

For example, a recent Associated Press article about the lasting perceptions of Tiger Woods the man, which likely ran in hundreds of publications around the world, opens with this anecdote:

“The passenger was waiting in a long line at Heathrow on Tuesday when he came face-to-face with an Accenture advertisement on the wall showing Tiger Woods walking through the tall grass with a club in his hand. The man stared for the longest time, then turned away and said solemnly, ‘I can’t believe it.’”

About the economy, that ad advises readers: “It’s not a setback. It’s a test.” In deciding whether to support or shun Woods as a spokesman, Accenture could follow its own strategic consulting advice in dealing with this advertising dilemma. “It’s rough out there,” the ad states. “And yet, as with every competitive challenge, some businesses will respond proactively and effectively, while others are left behind. The winners will be those who act quickly, make the right decisions and execute them flawlessly.”

However, some of Woods’ sponsors continue to sit quietly on the sidelines while their proud brands are unfortunately associated, if only loosely, with the shame.

In another recent column, the author asserts that consumers now distrust Woods and subtly suggests boycotting the products he promotes: 

“The public no longer believes anything Tiger Woods says anymore. That goes for Tiger’s endorsements as well. I’ve already thrown away all of my Nike sneakers and Titleist golf balls. And as soon as I find out what Accenture makes, I’m getting rid of that, too.”

Finally, a blog about the self-imposed suspension of Woods-related ads on television has this to say about Accenture’s well-known ad campaign:

“Considering the havoc this story has wreaked on Tiger and his family, I don’t think there’s anybody who wants to be a Tiger these days.”

To be fair, no one saw this coming and Accenture is not alone. Other companies that pay Woods to promote their brand are facing the same tough decisions. And, Nike, Gatorade and Gillette must also endure similar public scrutiny, as if somehow they are guilty of enabling Woods’ shameful lifestyle. In some indirect way their millions did. But business executives and marketing departments are not to blame, of course. He brought this on himself.

Still, brands that benefit from advertising in the good times also suffer some consequences when things go bad. All that exposure is suddenly unwelcome, only companies can’t have it both ways. They’re stuck in the spotlight when all they want to do is cower in a dark corner. Whether they drop him or not, their brands are already associated and in the news — and this story isn’t going away. Many consumers have told the media their shopping habits won’t change, but brand perception is subtle.

The Tiger Woods saga is a cancer that continues to grow. Whether cancer is caused from years of addiction or simply the unfortunate — and unfair — effects of secondhand smoke, it’s devastating all the same. Fortunately, it’s not necessarily a death sentence. Sometimes it’s just a nuisance, a condition that can be managed. For some big brands it’s time to take their medicine and hope for the best.