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In case you don’t know who F.I.G.J.A.M. is, then clearly you’re not a reader of Wei Under Par.

For all two of you who don’t know, it is reportedly Phil Mickelson’s nickname bestowed upon him by some fellow tour pros. 

It stands for: F*ck I‘m Good, Just Ask Me!

Funny stuff. I respect a good nickname like anyone else. And NiceBallz is not above poking fun at Phil on occasion.

But here’s the thing that I don’t get and doubt I ever will, barring Mickelson being found with his pants around his ankles, delivering a shot out of the deep rough to his kids’ nanny while Amy is in the hospital being treated for cancer.

I don’t get when people say they ‘hate him’ or find him to be a ‘phony’ or ‘think he’s a jerk.’

Arguably many who say those things are fans. And fans, if nothing else, have an inalienable right to hate or love certain athletes if for no other reason than what color jersey they wear, or for other equally meaningless reasons.

However, there are those anonymous tour players who supposedly created the F.I.G.J.A.M. nickname, and secretly whisper into the ears of mainstream media reporters and bloggers alike about how Phil is really just a big phony and all the knuckle bumping, cap tipping and autograph signing is just for the cameras.

To that I say: Who is the real phony? 

Golf is meant to be a gentleman’s game (allegedly) and yet unnamed touring pros who have Tiger Woods to thank for the ridiculous checks they have a chance to cash every week can also thank guys like Mickelson, Vijay, Padraig, Sergio and many more who came before them for their livelihood.  These are the guys who (admittedly with Tiger leading the way) have made being a touring professional on the PGA a dream gig, even if you hover somewhere around 60th on the money list.

In fact, here’s an excerpt from the GQ article that was among the first to publicly throw out the F.I.G.J.A.M. name:

Most recently, Mickelson blew off the 2005 Tour Championship, though the PGA was in the midst of negotiating its new TV contract. One reporter says, “The Tour was trying to come up with a plan that would make the networks happy, so it wouldn’t have to give back a lot of money, and here’s the number three player in the world skipping the premier season-ending event. Other players said, ‘How about helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich?’”

Wow…‘helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich.’ Yeah, those PGA touring pros. When will they get decent healthcare and a good living wage? For God’s sake, someone think of the little future golfers of the world … think of the children!

Here’s a novel idea for that player and any other who whines about Mickelson behind his back … play better … earn more money … get more endorsements, and generally shut up.

Either Mickelson has anti-Christ like charm that results in his ability to fool half the golfing population (at least) into thinking he’s a good guy, or -wait for it - a handful of people are jealous of his incredible talent, wealth, stature, public recognition and fan adoration and they take the opportunity to anonymously piss and moan about him behind his back.

Golly. Which seems more likely?

To be clear, I’m not a Phil fanboy. Or a Tiger fanboy for that matter. I think I generally have the same attitudes about them as most rationale people do. 

Tiger is amazing, arguably the best ever and his talent combined with his results speak for themselves.

Phil is also an amazing talent who, were it not for one Eldrick Woods, probably would be considered by many as the greatest of his time. He also seems to generally be a good person, and someone who takes the time to try and make any fans interaction with him as meaningful as possible. 

But neither of them are perfect. Far from it. We’ve all seen some of Tiger’s less-than-admirable traits. Phil is probably just better at concealing his from the public.

So what? After all, how many of us would like the whole world to know what self-centered, petty and immature characters we can be at any given time? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

If some touring pro has a beef with Mickelson I’d have a great deal more respect for them if they just came out, ON THE RECORD and said: “Look, I think the guy is a jerk and here is why…” than I do for any anonymous source who is content to whine about why Mickelson isn’t doing more to help make them rich. Or why he’s really not that nice … or that he’s arrogant. 

We’re sure he has a fully-formed ego like any top athlete, so let’s not even get into the irony of one pro calling another arrogant. Puhhhlleeease.

Sports are sports and they’ll always have their share of heels and heroes. We all inherently find reasons to like or dislike certain athletes.

But for the touring pros who can’t stop themselves from acting like a catty sorority member on pledge night when it comes to their fellow professionals, maybe they should stop and just take a look at Y.E. Yang, Angel Cabrera, Lucas Glover and Stewart Cink for some perspective on what is going to get them further – gossip or goals?

This?  Tough call.  Tough call.  What do you think?

I’m guessing Stewart Cink thinks Lambert is the more unwatchable based on this tweet, and this one…oh and this one from his wife. 

I wonder if it was the S&M stuff, the kissing the woman above or…I’m betting it was the pelvic face humping (see 1:06 below…you know you wanna).  Personally I think people should be a lot more offended by the singing.

While Kim has denied any after-hours activities, we have received, from reliable sources, a number of texts to and from AK that may counter that denial.  Read for yourself and decide.
 
AK: Man I never thought that team meeting would end, you wanna grab a brew, or 10 haha?
Freddy: You DO know I’m still your Captain after hours right?
AK: Whoops…meant that for Jordan. Night Cap! Get it, night….cap? 
 
AK: Hehe, just texted Freddy about getting a beer…oh well, ready to head out man?
Jordan: Can’t. I promised Phil that I would work on his short game with him. He tried to act like he didn’t want me to, but I know he just didn’t want to seem like he was imposing after what I did for O’Hair.  Don’t forget you are playing tomorrow!!!
AK: Man you guys are all lame!  I’m out to get some strange and lots of jager bombs woohoo look out San Fraaan! 
 
AK: Yeah bitches the AK-47 is out on the town!  Two jager bombs down baby and already four hotties checkin me out. One chick grabbed my belt buckle. She’s cute, big adam’s apple but hot. I’m soooo in. She has a friend, you up for wingman duty?
Phil: Stop texting me…I told you I can’t go out, Amy “surprised” me by showing up here.  Ixnay ethay artypay alktay, mmm’kay?
AK: Haha ur loss loooser!  Jager bombs away!
Phil: Don’t forget you are playing tomorrow!
 
AK: Peeps keep buyin jager bomzzz. Feelin no pain now cap! Who am i playin tomrrow again? Can i geta l8r tee time?
Freddy: No you cannot have a later tee time jesus man…get it together!
AK: Whooopsie daizy! Meant for MJ. J/k Cap…in my room havin night cap hahahaahha booombz away!
 
AK: So this is what the women’s bathroom looks like…
MJ: Nice pic. Maybe you should come back. Phil and I are about to breakthrough on his flop shot. Amy is helping too!
 
AK: I needz a cheezburger and pizzaaaaaaaaaa!!! Yeah baby ‘za! C’mon cap U buyin?
Norman: Who the hell is this?
AK: Hahhaaha we’re kickin ur aszzessss.  Can i have Morgan’s number?
 
AK: Remindme 2 make wakeup callz? Wooo booombz away!! Applebeeez is so dead 2morrow boss…adam’s apple chick givin me ride home w00t! FTW!
Freddy:
 
End Transmission.

Mayor: What do you mean, “biblical”?

Dr. Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.

Dr. Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!

Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…

Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

That’s what we’re heading for my friends if this FedEx Cup thing continues.  Ok, maybe the dead won’t rise.

Sure, Phil won…oh and so did Tiger. And this isn’t the Ryder Cup or the President’s Cup or a Cup o’Noodles(which are underrated in their deliciousness by the way)…but the FedEx Cup has done what no one thought possible – deliver a seemingly satisfying result in one tournament to Tiger and Phil fanboys alike. The end is near.

There’s really nothing to add to the commentary at this point on the general FUBAR‘dness of the FedEx Cup. 

Sure, it gave a moment of rare mutual satisfaction for many in the golf world.  But it feels similar to when the college football national championship was decided by different polls and you had one team claiming they were the champs, just like another.  Unsatisfying.

Like most things, there is a good Seinfeld reference to explain it all.  The FedEx Cup is the Bizarro World of golf.  I’ll let Jerry explain.

It’s hard to do that when you hear the news about Amy Mickelson.

So we won’t even try.

Instead, as individuals who have had acquaintances, friends and family members (Corey’s mom is a breast cancer survivor — proving that diagnosis is not a death sentence) impacted by this disease we simply ask that anyone who happens upon our blog today take some time to visit any one of the fine organizations below and consider making a donation, sharing the info with a friend who is affected, or just generally making yourself smarter about the topic.

Like everyone, we send our best wishes to Amy Mickelson and her family.  Regardless of how much we may like to poke fun at Phil, we believe he’s always presented himself as a decent human being and a man who cares about his family. We wish them all strength in this time.

Golf’s no stranger to tragedy and triumph when it comes to cancer. From Darren Clarke’s loss to Paul Azinger’s recovery there are many stories worth remembering.  The game will go on without Phil and we’ll all be ready for his return, whenever that time may be.

Again, if you happen across our silly blog today, please take some time to check out the below.  Or add any other good resources in our comments for others to see.  We’d also like to humbly suggest that other golf bloggers provide similar links and words of encouragement on their pages if they haven’t done so already (Note: I just saw Shane Bacon did this earlier as well…good on him). 

Thanks,
Hack & Corey

Susan G. Komen: http://ww5.komen.org/

American Cancer Society: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/home/index.asp

Breast Cancer Support: http://bcsupport.org/

National Breast Cancer Foundation: http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/

Twitter, the new short message web service, is all the rage. Several golf personalities, including NiceBallz, are “tweeting” their thoughts and sharing ideas with others around the world.

Pro golfers including Stewart Cink, Morgan Pressel and others – some real, some not – are going online on and off the course. Take a closer look inside the minds of a few prominent players and see what everyone’s chirping about. 

@CamilloV: Doing deep knee bends. Don’t try this at home.

@CamilloV: Doing 10,000 one-arm pushups. Good luck doing ten.

@CamilloV: Can you benchpress a courtesy car?

@CamilloV: I only drive white courtesy cars.

@CamilloV: Shopping for white belts.

@CamilloV: Is it OK to wear white shoes before Memorial Day?

@CamilloV: Got a grass stain on my white pants.

@CamilloV: Signed new endorsement deal with Tide.

@CamilloV: Can you make sweet love to 3 super models at once?  Of course you cannot. Only I can.

@MichelleShellyWee: School sucks!

@MichelleShellyWee: Finals suck!

@MichelleShellyWee: Where will I withdraw next?

@MichelleShellyWee: I feel a WD coming on.

@MichelleShellyWee: Looking for new sponsors.

@MichelleShellyWee: Maybe WD-40?

@vijay_sing: Going to practice.

@vijay_sing: Going to practice.

@vijay_sing: Going to … ah, you get the idea.

@PhauxPhil: Amy wants a bigger rock. I better win the U.S. Open.

@PhauxPhil: Gonna carry two 3-woods for Bethpage.

@PhauxPhil: Gonna carry two putters. One for shorties, one for lags.

@PhauxPhil: Gonna carry two gloves, including a special glove for extra grip on flop shots.

@PhauxPhil: Google’d the word ‘moobs.’ Not happy.

@PhauxPhil: Excited about my new workout regime. Did 16-ounce curls today!

@PhauxPhil: Loving my new all-black look. Very slimming.

Whether real or real fake, Twitter is a lot of fun and there’s a wealth of golf information to be found. For a sane voice in an insane game, follow the NiceBallz co-collaborators at http://twitter.com/NiceBallz and http://twitter.com/GolferWriterGuy.  If you have ideas for other favorite golf personalities you’d like to see ‘faux tweets’ from send them our way @ shankyballz@gmail.com and we’re happy to oblige.