FU.

No…really.  Thanks to the Deadspin story about you, I now can revel not only in the (ongoing) knowledge that I have yet to record an ace, but that an unbelievably greedy bastard such as yourself has two.  Oh…and two in ONE FREAKING ROUND no less.

Oh yes, sit there (yellow shirt, khaki shorts, white hat, sh*t-eating grin) with that smug look.  You definitely appear to be a man who just nutted two aces in one round.  Have you no shame? No decency sir? 

The closest I ever came to scoring an ace was at Bandon Dunes about 5 years ago.  I’d JUST eagled a par 5 at Pacific Dunes – (only my 3rd ever) and we were on a par 3 that immediately followed.  We were using caddies as we’d never played the course, and my guy was awesome.  Sort of a seasoned Scottish mage meets NY hobo. It worked for him. 

“Take it right over that mound”,  he said…and inexplicably I was able to actually hit it roughly where he had pointed. 

Another caddy in our group yelled “Say my name bitch!”as it flew to the green and landed softly…rolling rolling rolling…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand stops 6″ from the cup.

GAH!

I’ve never come that close since. 

So here’s to you Rich Schultz and your two stinking holes-in-one.  Prick.

UPDATE – 24, August

OH…MY…GOD.  Look at this f*cking guy!  There will be no living with him now people.

**********

In case you don’t know who F.I.G.J.A.M. is, then clearly you’re not a reader of Wei Under Par.

For all two of you who don’t know, it is reportedly Phil Mickelson’s nickname bestowed upon him by some fellow tour pros. 

It stands for: F*ck I‘m Good, Just Ask Me!

Funny stuff. I respect a good nickname like anyone else. And NiceBallz is not above poking fun at Phil on occasion.

But here’s the thing that I don’t get and doubt I ever will, barring Mickelson being found with his pants around his ankles, delivering a shot out of the deep rough to his kids’ nanny while Amy is in the hospital being treated for cancer.

I don’t get when people say they ‘hate him’ or find him to be a ‘phony’ or ‘think he’s a jerk.’

Arguably many who say those things are fans. And fans, if nothing else, have an inalienable right to hate or love certain athletes if for no other reason than what color jersey they wear, or for other equally meaningless reasons.

However, there are those anonymous tour players who supposedly created the F.I.G.J.A.M. nickname, and secretly whisper into the ears of mainstream media reporters and bloggers alike about how Phil is really just a big phony and all the knuckle bumping, cap tipping and autograph signing is just for the cameras.

To that I say: Who is the real phony? 

Golf is meant to be a gentleman’s game (allegedly) and yet unnamed touring pros who have Tiger Woods to thank for the ridiculous checks they have a chance to cash every week can also thank guys like Mickelson, Vijay, Padraig, Sergio and many more who came before them for their livelihood.  These are the guys who (admittedly with Tiger leading the way) have made being a touring professional on the PGA a dream gig, even if you hover somewhere around 60th on the money list.

In fact, here’s an excerpt from the GQ article that was among the first to publicly throw out the F.I.G.J.A.M. name:

Most recently, Mickelson blew off the 2005 Tour Championship, though the PGA was in the midst of negotiating its new TV contract. One reporter says, “The Tour was trying to come up with a plan that would make the networks happy, so it wouldn’t have to give back a lot of money, and here’s the number three player in the world skipping the premier season-ending event. Other players said, ‘How about helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich?’”

Wow…‘helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich.’ Yeah, those PGA touring pros. When will they get decent healthcare and a good living wage? For God’s sake, someone think of the little future golfers of the world … think of the children!

Here’s a novel idea for that player and any other who whines about Mickelson behind his back … play better … earn more money … get more endorsements, and generally shut up.

Either Mickelson has anti-Christ like charm that results in his ability to fool half the golfing population (at least) into thinking he’s a good guy, or -wait for it - a handful of people are jealous of his incredible talent, wealth, stature, public recognition and fan adoration and they take the opportunity to anonymously piss and moan about him behind his back.

Golly. Which seems more likely?

To be clear, I’m not a Phil fanboy. Or a Tiger fanboy for that matter. I think I generally have the same attitudes about them as most rationale people do. 

Tiger is amazing, arguably the best ever and his talent combined with his results speak for themselves.

Phil is also an amazing talent who, were it not for one Eldrick Woods, probably would be considered by many as the greatest of his time. He also seems to generally be a good person, and someone who takes the time to try and make any fans interaction with him as meaningful as possible. 

But neither of them are perfect. Far from it. We’ve all seen some of Tiger’s less-than-admirable traits. Phil is probably just better at concealing his from the public.

So what? After all, how many of us would like the whole world to know what self-centered, petty and immature characters we can be at any given time? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

If some touring pro has a beef with Mickelson I’d have a great deal more respect for them if they just came out, ON THE RECORD and said: “Look, I think the guy is a jerk and here is why…” than I do for any anonymous source who is content to whine about why Mickelson isn’t doing more to help make them rich. Or why he’s really not that nice … or that he’s arrogant. 

We’re sure he has a fully-formed ego like any top athlete, so let’s not even get into the irony of one pro calling another arrogant. Puhhhlleeease.

Sports are sports and they’ll always have their share of heels and heroes. We all inherently find reasons to like or dislike certain athletes.

But for the touring pros who can’t stop themselves from acting like a catty sorority member on pledge night when it comes to their fellow professionals, maybe they should stop and just take a look at Y.E. Yang, Angel Cabrera, Lucas Glover and Stewart Cink for some perspective on what is going to get them further – gossip or goals?

Rumors of book and movie rights for the bloggers stories are circulating as well with a working title in place of:  “Good Wood(s): The untold story of how Tiger Woods was betrayed by pasty white bloggers.”

10. Friends & Partners- Having only created NiceBallz earlier this year, we’re thankful for our readers. Dozens of them. We’re thankful for our partners, including Speaking of Golf, who have embraced NiceBallz as a unique source for great golf content. And, we appreciate the small handful of other golf addicts without whom we wouldn’t have a regular weekly golf game. Suckers!

9. Fights!- Controversy makes for great coverage and the professional golf ranks, well, rankled some people this year. LPGA players fighting with then commissioner Carolyn Bivens. Players fighting with each other included Anthony Kim and Robert Allenby, and Sandy Lyle and Colin Montgomerie, who showed that the so-called “gentleman’s game” is not above pissyness and smack talk. Bad for them, good for bloggers.

8. Technology - The Internet and social media has leveled the playing field and given rise to emerging media like NiceBallz and other blogs. And, innovation in golf club and ball technology helps us all play the game better. Technology has expanded and brought the game to places unimagined before, if not unnecessary.

7. Left Coast - Give it up for the West Coast. California, Oregon and Washington are back on the national golf map. The U.S. Open was at Torrey Pines in 2008 and will be at Pebble Beach next year and Chambers Bay in Washington in 2015. The U.S. Senior Open will be held at Sahalee near Seattle next summer. The Presidents Cup was recently played in San Francisco. Major amateur and junior amateur tournaments have been held in Oregon in recent years and the U.S. Amateur goes to Chambers Bay in 2010. The national golf scene finally extends beyond New York and Ohio. The Left Coast is the best coast. We matter dammit.

6. Recession - What? Yes, the recession sucks overall, but it rocks for golf value. Great deals on golf gear and creative green fee specials are the best thing to happen to average golfers in years.

5. John Daly - Whether you love him, like him, pity him or are simply fascinated by him, big-hitting John Daly is an interesting character and he gives us someone other than Tiger Woods to talk about. Lately, we’re thankful that he seems like he’s on the straight and narrow even if his golf game is a little crooked.

4. LPGA- The LPGA was more interesting this year for the sideshow of controversy and collapse than for the compelling storylines inside the ropes. Ousters. Bickering. Nudity. But, we think – hopefully – the LPGA has bottomed out. They have a new commissioner. Michelle Wie finally won.  The game has gone international. Lot’s of assets and optimism.

3. Competition- Phil Mickelson’s got his putter back, Y.E. Yang took down Tiger at the PGA and several other players won majors who were not named Woods. Could it be that ‘the field’ has finally stepped up? Or is it all just a big fake out heading into 2010 where Tiger will lay the smack down? Regardless, while we love seeing Tiger win, competition is good for the game, and 2009 had it. 

2. Tom Watson - Old dude done good.  Three-and-a-half days of brilliant golf from a then 59-year-old in Britain was exciting, inspiring and eye-opening. He was story of the year in some ways and if he hadn’t captivated us at the British Open the world’s oldest golf tournament could have also been the most boring.

1. Tiger Woods (and his left knee) - Duh. Tiger Woods’ successful return from injury brought golf back from the grave. There’s a huge void when he’s gone. He brings the excitement even when he doesn’t win a major championship and throws clubs and has temper tantrums.

What are you thankful for? Pumpkin pie? Your first hole-in-one? A job? Whatever it is, take time this week to remind yourself of it and sound off.

I’ll caveat all that follows by unequivocally stating that I am not a film critic.  As evidence of this, I like all Star Wars movies (even the ‘new’ trilogy), all Fletch movies and think Tin Cup should have probably gotten an Oscar nod or two.

That said, I know what I like and when I heard The Back Nine’s premise I was intrigued.  Everyone who has played golf has thought: “What if I could just play more…or if I had a full-time coach….or time to workout…or time to practice…or the right equipment…just how good could I get?”

Almost none of us will ever know.  We lack the time and/or money or put higher priorities like family and our chosen careers over such fantasy.  But Fitzgerald decided to take the challenge head on and see how far he could go in a quest to play professional golf.

My biggest (and perhaps only) issue with The Back Nine comes from that positioning of the documentary.  It makes it sound as though Fitzgerald is going to tackle the Mount Everest of golfing efforts – going from an ‘average’ amateur player, to being able to compete at a professional level.

Unfortunately, (small spoiler alert) that’s not really the direction of the film.  Instead Fitzgerald later caveats his goal as trying to earn an invitation to the Golf Channel’s Amateur Tour National Championship.

An admirable goal, but one that is far less impressive than the idea of making it to a professional tour level event. 

I asked Fitzgerald about this discrepancy and he responded, “I did set a goal of eventually competing professionally.  However, this was obviously going to take more than a few years. Therefore I decided we would create a series of films, tracking the journey.”

That, notable, difference in what I had expected from the film aside I enjoyed The Back Nine in general and in some ways it became a more insightful look into how golf can build bridges with loved one’s, as well as the incredible demands your average touring pro faces in chasing their own dreams of stardom.  I’m not referring to your Tiger Woods, Sergio Garcia’s, Lorena Ochoa’s or other superstars.

I’m referring to those pros on the Hooters Tour or the Duramed FUTURES Tour that are often traveling alone and in some cases trying to balance family and their pursuit of a career on the big tour.  In Fitzgeralds own challenges to balance his family life with his ‘main’ career around film festival organization and his pursuit to improve his game you get an inkling of the stress many of these anonymous pros must face.

Fitzgerald recruits a series of professionals to help him in his pursuit. A yoga trainer, a swing coach and even Dr. Joe Parent to serve as his mental coach, along with a few others.  These all serve mainly as the framework to support Fitzgerald’s premise of taking a serious approach to taking his game to its ultimate heights. 

In reality the main story about The Back Nine hinges around family.

Fitzgerald’s relationship with his biological father and stepfather are touched on heavily and serve as a real focal point of the film.  These are the moments that are the most touching, real and insightful into the man and the influencing factors that have lead him to this point in his life.

Personally, I found Fitzgerald’s stepfather often came across as a more empathetic character than his biological father.  Perhaps because there is a fair amount of context left out of the film around the circumstances under which his biological father separated from his mother while the younger Fitzgerald was still a boy. 

But ultimately the film’s most emotional (and one of its most sincere) moment comes when Fitzgerald is interviewing his biological father while on a golf trip in Scotland and Ireland.  Fighting back tears, the elder Fitzgerald says of his relationship with his son, ”I’m just happy to be with him…when we’re together it’s…I don’t think he and I could describe it to you…but it’s love.”  It seems unlikely that a moment of father/son tear jerking like this would have happened were it not for the game of golf.

I won’t spoil the ending, but ultimately Fitzgerald is faced with a choice that is clear, but gut-wrenching at the same time - pick between that which is best for your family and that which you’ve worked so hard to reach and is within your grasp.

As mentioned earlier, I was pleasantly surprised to learn from Fitzgerald that the plan is to provide further chapters in his pursuit, “There will be at least two more feature length films and we will add new clips to the website periodically to fill the gaps between features.”

In these times of Netflix, iTunes and On Demand video it’s hard to recommend buying The Back Nine, unless you are a collector of golf related films.  But should it become available as a rental I would definitely recommend taking the approximately 86 minutes of running time to watch.

As a side, I initially was so intrigued by the project because of having read Tom Coyne’s Paper Tiger.  Coyne sets out very much to achieve the same goal – play with the pros.  Coyne comes much closer though and his humor and wit are hard to match.  It’s become one of my favorite golf books, and yet some of it’s most poignant moments (like Fitzgerald’s film) come when golf is merely the backdrop to a larger human story.  I highly recommend you give it a read.

1. Criticize EVERYTHING: Pretty straightforward. Find nothing good in anything. Or, if you must find something good (e.g. Annika has a baby!) make sure to balance it with something highly critical (e.g. Wow, thanks for putting yourself ahead of the LPGA when they need you most sister.).  See how easy that was? That way others will always have someone to disagree with and call a moron.

2. Criticize NOTHING: I know…this may seem to be in contrast to #1 but stay with me.  You can take this as an alternative to the first point and simply think everything is great and every golfer is the model of benevolence and charm.  Sure, it’s boring and makes you look like a suckup but it also will ensure you get on every flack’s email distribution list so you’ll have plenty of fodder around charitable events to fill your blog with.

3. Name drop: “So, I said to Jack…‘and that’s why you should always use a 9 iron there’ and he laughed and, well, let’ s just say we shared a moment.” Use casual references as if to imply you couldn’t possibly be talking about anyone other than Jack Nicklaus.  Sure, it’s Jack Lebromowitz your neighbor who carries a 23 index, but who is to know?  Pretty soon others will be asking you ‘what’s Tiger really like?’ and wanting to know if you can get them an extra ticket to the U.S. Open. Both of which you should respond to with a heavy sigh, eye roll and thorough shaking of your head as if to imply ‘why are you speaking to me?’.

4. Never…ever…comment on others stuff: You are the premier golf blogger just remember that. If you comment on others posts that only validates that you (again the premier blogger) find their stuff interesting.  Uhhh sorry!  But others should be reading your stuff remember, not reading a comment you had on what someone else thought.  What the f*ck do they know – you’re the master bater blogger!  And for that matter, don’t reply to comments left on your blog.  This is about you dispensing YOUR pearls of wisdom, not interacting with the unwashed masses. They should be happy you leave comments open at all.  The swine.

5. Make sh*t up: Nothing interesting to write about that day?  Tired of reading and ripping stories from the mainstream media? Resort to the greatest news source ever – your imagination.  Headlines like “Tiger Woods sacrifices baby ducks to rehab his knee” will drive major traffic.  Or you can be more titillating and go with stuff like “Guess which pro golfer I may or may not have shagged last night”.  See? You didn’t even say anything! But certain topics (e.g. sex, Sergio, hot people) will always get a reaction. Just sit back and watch the speculation, name calling and traffic roll in.

So there you go.  Employ any or all of these tips and you’re sure to rake in the big blogging bucks. More later but right now I’ve got to go catch a tee time with Phil. Ciao!

At least, if you catch her on a good day – which Friday was at the LPGA Safeway Classic.

She finished at -4 with a chip in for birdie on No. 18 that drew a huge roar from the sizable Friday crowd.  Wie currently sits at T-11 and remains in the hunt.

So allow us for a moment to jump into the fast forward hype machine and think about what the headlines would be if Wie manages to snag her first win on the LPGA tour at Pumpkin Ridge.

The Obvious

“Wie knows the way!”- See how that works?  Just use the way Michelle Wie’s name sounds to replace the word ‘we’ and you too can be a headline writer and make gajillions!

The Solheim link

“Wie can’t be friends.”- Only used if Wie wins by beating one of her former Solheim teammates.  Most likely candidates of Kerr, C. Kim and Gulbis.

The Louis Armstrong

“What a Wie-derful World”- The headline will serve as a precursor to a slew of Youtube montages with the Armstrong’s unmistakable voice intercut with shots of Wie hoisting the Safeway trophy above her head.

The Jeffersons

“Wie-zzy is Movin’ On Up!” – Only the most hardcore Jefferson’s fan will pull this out of their bag o’tricks.  But it’ll happen.

But for now we’ll put our flux capacitor’s into storage and just be content to wait and see how Wie and her fellow LPGA players do over the weekend. 

Wie are excited to see what happens next.

(Photo credit:Hack at NiceBallz.com)

Christina Kim

First up, a quick clip from @TheChristinaKim and a mea culpa on my part – due to user error technical difficulties I only got a portion of my interview with her captured. Yes…I know…and trust me, you can’t say anything about me on this subject that I haven’t already said at myself, thank you.

In the clip I salvaged Christina speaks about some of the criticism she got for her reactions during the Solheim Cup:

What was screwed up by me lost on the editing room floor, was her comment/request to fans to please ‘don’t tweet me’ about their criticisms of her behavior. 

On one hand I get it. For her (and likely other players), Twitter is a fun venue to get some interaction and, let’s be honest, fan adoration. So unwanted criticism can put a damper on that mood.

Practically though, it is not realistic.  As we’ve said before, people are people and social media services like Twitter are about interaction.  All kinds of interaction - good/bad/indifferent. And in doing searches of @TheChristinaKim messages an overwhelming number of them are incredibly supportive and positive. 

So is it just a matter of an athlete with thin skin?  Maybe. Or it could arguably be more naïveté around what is to be expected from the general public interaction that happens via social media.  One thing is for sure, Kim gets a lot of attention, and not just on Twitter. Fans were regularly stopping her asking for a hug, a photo and complimenting her on her performance at the Solheim. If (and that is likely a big ‘if’) she’s suffered any loss of fan support from her actions at the Solheim Cup it isn’t reflected at Portland this week.

Junior Looper

Junior Seau has a future as an LPGA caddy if he decides to (finally) hang up his football cleats.  Thursday, Seau caddied for Natalie Gulbis during a ProAm at The Safeway Classic and here is a clip of him talking about what it’s like to carry the bag for Gulbis (note - the ‘Greg’ Seau calls out is Gulbis’ caddy and he said “They’ve (other caddies) been after my job for six years.”:

Seau only carried the bag for 9 holes (such a candy-ass) and afterwards some EMT’s were kind enough to give him the medical treatment he needed by rushing oxygen onto the 9th green – in jest, I think…at least I’m pretty sure it was a joke.

Look for photos from the Safeway in our Gallery and further updates over the next several days.

We force fed some of his soundbites through the Bullsh!t-o-meter and here’s what we got.

Q. What did you think of the golf course?

Tiger: It’s interesting. (Laughter).

BSOM Translation: Get the bulldozers warmed up.

Q. What’s the most interesting thing about it?

Tiger: I think just the whole thing, the angles you have, green complexes, the wind blowing, a lot of cross wind shots. So it’s going to definitely test your ball striking and if you miss the green, it’s very tight, you have so many options, you can spin the ball or carry it or bump it or you can use a lot of putters around the golf course.

BSOM Translation: Interestingly I can’t spray it and still get up and down for eagle or birdie. What the f*ck is that all about?

Q. What was behind your decision to play this week?

Tiger: I want to play. I qualified, so

BSOM Translation: Finchem called and begged. Then wept and begged some more. At first I said “OK I’ll do it” and he was all like “Really!?!” and I would laugh and say “Of course not dummy” and would hang up. But after a half a dozen calls like that I decided to play. You’re welcome.

Q. Do you think it’s fair if you could win the next three weeks and not win the FedExCup with eight wins this year?

Tiger: It could happen.

BSOM Translation: It could but it won’t. Look at me, you see what I’m saying? It could … but it won’t.

Q. It could very well happen?

Tiger: It could very well happen, no doubt. Guys who haven’t won a tournament all year could win the FedExCup.

It is quite interesting how it could work out that way.

BSOM Translation: If it does happen, I’m going to use the FedEx cup to potty train Charlie.