Me/Hack – Note how cleverly I’ve kept my anonymity! Scroll down for the obligatory (and dramatic) ‘after’ pic!

I can admit that about myself now, since over the past six months I’ve managed to lose 33% of my body mass (or 90lbs to put it another way) by following a strict diet and, more importantly, adopting a healthier lifestyle that includes regular exercise. SORRY FATTY’S NO MIRACLE CURE HERE!

But at the time I rationalized my weight gain with thoughts that I wasn’t THAT fat…not as fat as that guy…or that one…or JEEZUS H. KEERIST that guy.

And my rationalization was accurate – I wasn’t as obese as the most morbidly overweight person you’ve probably seen, but I was on the path to being dead.

So what changed that motivated me to lose it? Honestly, no one thing. However I do recall the day XXL sized shirts and 42″ pants started to feel ‘snug’ it started to freak me out. I even went into a ‘big & tall’ men’s store once — easily top 5 most depressing moments of my life. Devastating.

Plus I just didn’t like how I felt. Tired, cranky…blah blah. Read any blog by some ex-fatass who lost a bunch of weight and you”ll probably hear the same stuff. I also have an addiction — to DELICIOUS FOOD. OH GOD HOW I LOVE YOU PIZZA AND CHINESE FOOD! Kidding! I crack up when people talk about their ‘addiction’ to food. Yes, I too am addicted to food then. Yummy food. No one talks about their addiction to romaine lettuce, tofu or celery do they? It’s just like how I’m apparently addicted to watching the NFL, good booze, sunny days, golf and facials (what? don’t knock it). That’s my addiction, shit that is awesome.

Seriously though…this is a golf blog, so what’s the golf link? The impact on my life off the course was dramatic and overwhelmingly positive, but on the course it was nearly as dramatic and (over time) positive.

When I lost the weight here’s what I noticed:

- Golf fashion is not so horrible when you can fit into XL and L sized shirts and 34-38″ pants/shorts. Let’s be clear, it’s still not GREAT. But there are way more options to you than the XXL Snake Eyes discount rack.

- My swing flat out disappeared. I hit the ball literally behind me one time. Do you realize how freaking HARD that is to do? To top it in such a miniscule way that it puts counter-spin on it to the point that it goes BACKWARDS 5 feet? Amazing. My handicap and scores went up a crazy amount for a while (not that I’m a good player mind you, but a sufferable 18ish handicap). Eventually things settled and I got more comfortable with how much more quickly my body could rotate than before. I’m now back to regularly shooting where I was when heavy, and am hoping that by next summer – with continued training – I’ll pick up more distance to boot.

- I used to get home from walking 18 holes and took a major nap because I was EXHAUSTED YO! Now, without having to schlep a Bieber around with me, I can do other things. LIke update my fantasy football roster, duh. I also am not seeing the typical ‘last 3 hole’ flailing like I did when I was fat as I have the stamina to continue to hit less atrocious good shots.

As for how I went about losing it. I followed a strict food program/diet…which if you’re interested you can find more detail on here (I’m not pushing it on ya, and I’m not paid, but sharing is caring!).

I also (literally as it turns out) worked my ass off. People can absolutely lose weight by dieting alone, but part of my diet meant (gulp) no booze. Which for me was a major life alteration and one I never planned to carry forth forever. So, in order to enjoy a tasty beverage now and again (and again), I knew I would have to commit to making exercise part of my life going forward.

I got a trainer (see link above on TSFL, same guy) who consistently kicks my ass twice a week, and then I run twice a week on my own. Side note – ALL TRAINERS ARE SADISTS AND SECRETLY HATE THEIR CLIENTS. I am sure of this given the glee he takes in watching me grunt and groan in agony for ’3 more reps bitch!‘.

So anyway, I’m sharing this not because I’m trying to sell something (the program I was on worked for me, probably would work for you…that’s as big of an endorsement as I make about anything)…but mainly because I am viewing it as part of my own process for adopting this new lifestyle. This is sort of my ‘burn the ships’ post because if I get fat again, people will go “Hey remember when you were skinny?” Yeah, that’d suck.

So good luck to any other FATTY’S (yes you are fat, admitting it is part of the process) who want to change. You can do it…and if you’re a golfer the benefits are totally worth it, not to mention the whole…not dying of diabetes, heart attack, stroke etc.

And now the dramatic ‘after’ pic…TA-DA!

After my first official 5k. My trainer was in the pic too but I cut him out…after all HE didn’t run the race now did he? No he did not.

I’ve rarely met a more stubborn…courteous…drink-happy…and generally resilient group than the English.  God Bless that they were on our side along with many others.

“Cigar Guy” is one Rupesh Shingadia, a 30-year-old Londoner, this according to some kick-ass thorough journalism by The Daily Mail in the UK.

There was talk that perhaps Cigar Guy was Sacha Baron Cohen of “Borat” and “Bruno” fame but that seemed like a theory more likely floated by a Cohen publicist than grounded in any reality.

Apparently Shingadia wanted to wear a costume in tribute to Miguel Angel Jimenez.

In my opinion he could not have made a better choice of a Euro team member to honor (even if his costume lacked in authenticity…cigar aside).

Jimenez has long been one of my favorite European players.  The pony tail…the swagger…the gut…the cigar.  Dude exudes confidence and a ‘what-effing-ever’ vibe. 

So hat’s off to you Rupesh!  Your whole world is about to change.  Get ready for The Today Show, The Tonight Show, ESPN and a gajillion other requests for interview…all before complete obscurity. 

Until then, let’s take a moment to recognize the man Rupesh set out to emulate.  “The Mechanic“, the myth the cigar-smoking Spainard, Miguel…Angel…Jimenez.

Upon emerging from my Ryder Cup hangover what is the first email I received in the NiceBallz mailbox?  Something from Oakley going on about how Ian Poulter really delivered  in The Ryder Cup, and would I be interested in posting a video of Ian showing off and rubbing our collective faces in how awesome his life is?

Sure Oakley…why not.  How about you just douse this paper cut I have with some salt and lemon juice too mmm’kay?  Go ahead, perhaps I could dog-sit for Ian some time?  Or wash his car (which at 1:19 in the video you’ll see he parks very liberally)…or generally just be his biaaaaatch like the Americans were this past week?

Not cool Oakley.  Not cool to rub it in. 

But, I did bash on Poulter (even if not publicly like some) and he did deliver. So fine, here’s your video.  See you in 2012 bastards.

Bonus – Weezer with the best Oakley related line ever: “Oakley makes the shades to transform a tool…”

Owen Wilson is apparently.  Thanks to The Superficial for the, ahem, candid shot of his poor on course behavior.  And more importantly thanks for the (teeny) black box!

But what DO you do when you have to go numero uno on the course?  We’ve compiled a quick list of “bio-break” do’s and don’ts to help our small bladdered brethren.

Do!

• Use the bathrooms on course: I know, shocking isn’t it?  Yet a surprising number of guys will literally let fly next to a bathroom. One of Corey’s pals once (unknowingly) let loose on the back of what he thought was a utility shed, only to pull his cart around and see it was in fact – you guessed it – a bathroom. A guy I knew would drop trou next to a port-0-potty because he ‘didn’t like the way it smelled inside’.  Actually, I get his point.
• Look around: No matter how quiet and secluded that pine tree just off the cart path may seem.  It is perilously close to the path a battery operated snack cart girl lady can sidle up on you while you’re in the middle of your business.  

Don’t!

• Proceed without cover: Unlike Owen Wilson, we don’t think a cart is usually suitable cover for operations such as this.  We recommend (and prefer) trees off the fairway or heck, in a pinch maybe a well placed tee sign.
• Shake it more than…: Yes you know the rule…you’ve heard it.  It’s a cliche and yet you think about it every time you step into the woods, don’t you?  Yep.  Abide by the rule son.  Abide.
• Never, ever cross streams: On the rare occasion that you may find yourself next to one, or more, of your playing partners please – for the love of all that is holy – do NOT cross the streams.  Nothing good will ever come of it.

Most importantly, be careful out there!

We say though Dustin, good for you…that sort of mindless ‘just hit it’ play put you into contention in the first place, so stick with what got ya there and you’ll get one of those big boy trophies soon enough.

Here’s to you DJ – cue the music!

FU.

No…really.  Thanks to the Deadspin story about you, I now can revel not only in the (ongoing) knowledge that I have yet to record an ace, but that an unbelievably greedy bastard such as yourself has two.  Oh…and two in ONE FREAKING ROUND no less.

Oh yes, sit there (yellow shirt, khaki shorts, white hat, sh*t-eating grin) with that smug look.  You definitely appear to be a man who just nutted two aces in one round.  Have you no shame? No decency sir? 

The closest I ever came to scoring an ace was at Bandon Dunes about 5 years ago.  I’d JUST eagled a par 5 at Pacific Dunes – (only my 3rd ever) and we were on a par 3 that immediately followed.  We were using caddies as we’d never played the course, and my guy was awesome.  Sort of a seasoned Scottish mage meets NY hobo. It worked for him. 

“Take it right over that mound”,  he said…and inexplicably I was able to actually hit it roughly where he had pointed. 

Another caddy in our group yelled “Say my name bitch!”as it flew to the green and landed softly…rolling rolling rolling…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand stops 6″ from the cup.

GAH!

I’ve never come that close since. 

So here’s to you Rich Schultz and your two stinking holes-in-one.  Prick.

UPDATE – 24, August

OH…MY…GOD.  Look at this f*cking guy!  There will be no living with him now people.

Several rounds were purchased by a friend of Corey’s (The friend is a non-golfer, but apparently liberal drinker during charity auctions = winning combo for us!) and they include a few rounds at some local private clubs.

Free golf AND at private golf clubs?  Golf chubby!

I’ve always been intrigued by the country club scene.  I worked at a public golf course in college that was affiliated with a private course so we had members at our course and golfing privileges at the private track.  The certain air of entitlement and confidence that the members had contrasted to the resentment and congenial attitude of the public crowd.  It was a fascinating social anthropology experience.

So with a slew of free golf upcoming I decided to seek out more info on one of the clubs we’ll be playing soon.  Here was the form letter I got in response.  Bolded text = our commentary.

Good Afternoon [redacted],

Thank you for expressing interest in Membership at [redacted]. We are a family oriented club (no gays, hippies or Obama voters please) that offers a vast array of activities in addition to golf that appeals to all ages. Once you join a great club such as [redacted], you can appreciate all the wonderful benefits of belonging to a special community (like Jonestown).
 
We offer two forms of Membership, Regular full golf Membership (the wealthy) and the second Social Membership (the merely well-off).

The current entry fee for a Regular (full golf) Membership is $42,000. (haha, nice typo!  $42k…that’s funny…oh, wait…nevermind) This category provides full golfing privileges with dues at $498 per month, a monthly assessment of $35 and a quarterly Dining Room minimum of $165.  Regular Membership allows you and your family full golf and social privileges at the Club (including the monthly 60-and-over key party!). 

PGC also offers a Social Membership that provides the member with full social privileges (sans key parties). This category offers limited golfing privileges at $237 per month, a monthly assessment of $16 and a quarterly dining Room minimum of $165. The current entry fee for this category is $2,500. The golf privileges for the member and spouse are as follows:  one round of golf per month each (with payment of guest green fees – $50) - (so for $290 a month, before restaurant and assessment I get exactly one round of golf…boh-kay then!) and six rounds of golf per year as the guest of a regular member and payment of guest greens fees – $100.  Children- no golf privileges except summer Junior Golf program.  A Social member enjoys unlimited use of the clubhouse and facilities (pool and tennis courts).  They are also entitled to sponsoring/hosting private social events. 

The membership application process takes approximately 45 days (30 of which are spent undergoing rigorous physical testing – including DNA analysis to trace your, ahem, ethnic heritage). I would be happy to give you a tour of the facility and invite you out for a round of golf. Just let me know and I’ll set something up for you.  

Let’s do the math shall we?  The vast majority of country club members today are made up by the boomer generation.  That generation is now somewhere between 46-64 years of age depending on who you listen to on when it began (most everyone agrees 1946ish) and ends (some discrepancy but usually around the middle-ish 1960′s).

The average life expectancy of a U.S. male is around 76 years.  That means best case scenario many of these clubs can expect to start seeing the beginning of 20+ years worth of serious economic drain begin in the next decade.

And what is their grand plan?  Um, well nothing. I don’t begrudge those who wish to spend this amount of money to be a member of a club.  Oh sure the old cliche’s of being exclusionary still exist…but that’s not what this post is about.

What I find confusing is what are they doing to even draw in moderately younger members?  Using myself and some friends I know as an example – I could join a club like the one above and be locked into feeling like I have to play the same course week in and out.  Or I could…

- Play public courses, many of which are as good, or arguably better in quality than the older country club courses for anywhere between $49-$89 a round at peak rate.

- Take the money I save and put it towards some amazing golf trips over the next decade like St. Andrews, Florida, Pebble, Hawaii, etc.

- Invest in other sports I enjoy such as season (full or partial) tickets to baseball, football or basketball teams.

Given the choices above does anyone think the country club establishment has a sound plan for long-term viability? 

Of course the long-term, well established clubs will always have a pool of ‘old money’ to keep them afloat, but once the boomer generation dies off altogether, can all of them really afford to remain fully private?

At any rate, I’m off to chunk up some private club driving range turf.  Fore, WASPS!

And the Lord said, “…these Ballz are good…” and he held them up high.

It’s been a fun year.  Corey and I have learned a great deal about our own interests, skills (and sometimes a lack thereof) in writing, humor and golf. 

But more than anything else we’ve enjoyed the chance we’ve had to interact with you.  The thousands hundreds many fans, frequent readers and even the trolls who have bothered to read stuff that we come up with.

You’re the bestest.

We never started the blog with any intent other than writing what we we found amusing, annoying, interesting and most importantly, unique.  We think we’ve usually hit the mark in that regard, and plan to continue doing so for as long as it remains fun.

Look for a contest or two in the coming weeks to celebrate our first birthday, until then here’s a big ole NiceBallz hug & kiss. 

Now we’ve got to go blow out some candles.

**********

In case you don’t know who F.I.G.J.A.M. is, then clearly you’re not a reader of Wei Under Par.

For all two of you who don’t know, it is reportedly Phil Mickelson’s nickname bestowed upon him by some fellow tour pros. 

It stands for: F*ck I‘m Good, Just Ask Me!

Funny stuff. I respect a good nickname like anyone else. And NiceBallz is not above poking fun at Phil on occasion.

But here’s the thing that I don’t get and doubt I ever will, barring Mickelson being found with his pants around his ankles, delivering a shot out of the deep rough to his kids’ nanny while Amy is in the hospital being treated for cancer.

I don’t get when people say they ‘hate him’ or find him to be a ‘phony’ or ‘think he’s a jerk.’

Arguably many who say those things are fans. And fans, if nothing else, have an inalienable right to hate or love certain athletes if for no other reason than what color jersey they wear, or for other equally meaningless reasons.

However, there are those anonymous tour players who supposedly created the F.I.G.J.A.M. nickname, and secretly whisper into the ears of mainstream media reporters and bloggers alike about how Phil is really just a big phony and all the knuckle bumping, cap tipping and autograph signing is just for the cameras.

To that I say: Who is the real phony? 

Golf is meant to be a gentleman’s game (allegedly) and yet unnamed touring pros who have Tiger Woods to thank for the ridiculous checks they have a chance to cash every week can also thank guys like Mickelson, Vijay, Padraig, Sergio and many more who came before them for their livelihood.  These are the guys who (admittedly with Tiger leading the way) have made being a touring professional on the PGA a dream gig, even if you hover somewhere around 60th on the money list.

In fact, here’s an excerpt from the GQ article that was among the first to publicly throw out the F.I.G.J.A.M. name:

Most recently, Mickelson blew off the 2005 Tour Championship, though the PGA was in the midst of negotiating its new TV contract. One reporter says, “The Tour was trying to come up with a plan that would make the networks happy, so it wouldn’t have to give back a lot of money, and here’s the number three player in the world skipping the premier season-ending event. Other players said, ‘How about helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich?’”

Wow…‘helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich.’ Yeah, those PGA touring pros. When will they get decent healthcare and a good living wage? For God’s sake, someone think of the little future golfers of the world … think of the children!

Here’s a novel idea for that player and any other who whines about Mickelson behind his back … play better … earn more money … get more endorsements, and generally shut up.

Either Mickelson has anti-Christ like charm that results in his ability to fool half the golfing population (at least) into thinking he’s a good guy, or -wait for it - a handful of people are jealous of his incredible talent, wealth, stature, public recognition and fan adoration and they take the opportunity to anonymously piss and moan about him behind his back.

Golly. Which seems more likely?

To be clear, I’m not a Phil fanboy. Or a Tiger fanboy for that matter. I think I generally have the same attitudes about them as most rationale people do. 

Tiger is amazing, arguably the best ever and his talent combined with his results speak for themselves.

Phil is also an amazing talent who, were it not for one Eldrick Woods, probably would be considered by many as the greatest of his time. He also seems to generally be a good person, and someone who takes the time to try and make any fans interaction with him as meaningful as possible. 

But neither of them are perfect. Far from it. We’ve all seen some of Tiger’s less-than-admirable traits. Phil is probably just better at concealing his from the public.

So what? After all, how many of us would like the whole world to know what self-centered, petty and immature characters we can be at any given time? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

If some touring pro has a beef with Mickelson I’d have a great deal more respect for them if they just came out, ON THE RECORD and said: “Look, I think the guy is a jerk and here is why…” than I do for any anonymous source who is content to whine about why Mickelson isn’t doing more to help make them rich. Or why he’s really not that nice … or that he’s arrogant. 

We’re sure he has a fully-formed ego like any top athlete, so let’s not even get into the irony of one pro calling another arrogant. Puhhhlleeease.

Sports are sports and they’ll always have their share of heels and heroes. We all inherently find reasons to like or dislike certain athletes.

But for the touring pros who can’t stop themselves from acting like a catty sorority member on pledge night when it comes to their fellow professionals, maybe they should stop and just take a look at Y.E. Yang, Angel Cabrera, Lucas Glover and Stewart Cink for some perspective on what is going to get them further – gossip or goals?