h/t Mike Arauz

Jay-Z – 99 Problems (explicit version)

PS – I don’t care if you’ve seen it already.  Mwah!

He’s not a particularly handsome man, but he can hit a golf ball very well.

And he has a certain, shall we say je na sais quoi.

He’s also one of my favorite people to have in a foursome – ever.  He’s relentlessly optimistic and hopelessly humorous.

Along with my friend Sparky he is one of the three biggest reasons (along with @Golferwriterguy) that I play golf to this day. 

So I ask you,when I received a voicemail like the one below from Eli, shouldn’t it make me wonder - with friends like these…do I need new friends? 

Nope.

Relentless grief is simply part of the deal whether on the course or off, and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Play on.  Jerks.

Note: Fair warning, if you’re offended by language, well, you probably aren’t reading this blog anymore anyway, but be warned.

PS - I’m sorry Ms. @Golferwriterguy’s Mom cuz I tried to edit out the ‘f’ word in the below but I just didn’t have time.  Your beautiful son never uses this word…unless he doubles a par 4.

The timing couldn’t be better for many golfers, at least on the East Coast where a major snow storm has made weather conditions more conducive for channel surfing or sledding than chipping and putting. Still, while the cold and wet keeps many golfers from playing this time of year, it doesn’t keep most of us from thinking about golf and working on our game.

Even busy college football coaches like to squeeze in some golf when they can. Take University of Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin, for example. In his first season at the school, Kiffin led the Volunteers to an appearance in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. But he’s got plenty of time to relax before the game on New Year’s Eve.

He could probably get in a little golf. We think he’s a fan. Why else would you need soft spikes at football practice? Did you come straight from the golf course? Hitting the driving range after the game?

See for yourself. Dude, are those golf spikes or high-performance launching pads? C’mon, man!

While Kim has denied any after-hours activities, we have received, from reliable sources, a number of texts to and from AK that may counter that denial.  Read for yourself and decide.
 
AK: Man I never thought that team meeting would end, you wanna grab a brew, or 10 haha?
Freddy: You DO know I’m still your Captain after hours right?
AK: Whoops…meant that for Jordan. Night Cap! Get it, night….cap? 
 
AK: Hehe, just texted Freddy about getting a beer…oh well, ready to head out man?
Jordan: Can’t. I promised Phil that I would work on his short game with him. He tried to act like he didn’t want me to, but I know he just didn’t want to seem like he was imposing after what I did for O’Hair.  Don’t forget you are playing tomorrow!!!
AK: Man you guys are all lame!  I’m out to get some strange and lots of jager bombs woohoo look out San Fraaan! 
 
AK: Yeah bitches the AK-47 is out on the town!  Two jager bombs down baby and already four hotties checkin me out. One chick grabbed my belt buckle. She’s cute, big adam’s apple but hot. I’m soooo in. She has a friend, you up for wingman duty?
Phil: Stop texting me…I told you I can’t go out, Amy “surprised” me by showing up here.  Ixnay ethay artypay alktay, mmm’kay?
AK: Haha ur loss loooser!  Jager bombs away!
Phil: Don’t forget you are playing tomorrow!
 
AK: Peeps keep buyin jager bomzzz. Feelin no pain now cap! Who am i playin tomrrow again? Can i geta l8r tee time?
Freddy: No you cannot have a later tee time jesus man…get it together!
AK: Whooopsie daizy! Meant for MJ. J/k Cap…in my room havin night cap hahahaahha booombz away!
 
AK: So this is what the women’s bathroom looks like…
MJ: Nice pic. Maybe you should come back. Phil and I are about to breakthrough on his flop shot. Amy is helping too!
 
AK: I needz a cheezburger and pizzaaaaaaaaaa!!! Yeah baby ‘za! C’mon cap U buyin?
Norman: Who the hell is this?
AK: Hahhaaha we’re kickin ur aszzessss.  Can i have Morgan’s number?
 
AK: Remindme 2 make wakeup callz? Wooo booombz away!! Applebeeez is so dead 2morrow boss…adam’s apple chick givin me ride home w00t! FTW!
Freddy:
 
End Transmission.

For Sale Ya’ll One Slightly Used Recreational Vehicle

Cherry. Simply cherry. Those are the words to describe my sweet RV bub. Unfortunately since I have the rest of the season off, and because my LoudMouth Golf investment is paying off, I no longer need her to haul me and my crew around, Hoss.

Not sure how many miles, odometer broke. Could be 2203, or 102203. I would bet the over.

Cherry inside, too! Got a few cigarette holes in the Captain Chair — that’s what I call the driver’s seat, my girlfriend likes it when I act like I’m the Captain in the RV: “Ahoy, wench. Hoist me mainsail, that’s an order!”

Bed’s good. Will include sheets and mattresses. May want to wash. Stripper sparkly stuff gets on ya otherwise.

Photo enclosed, all reasonable offers (or sponsorship opportunities) considered!

What is the M.O.I. of a Coffee Can On A Stick?

Slightly used oversized exotic metal driver. Only scraped on the concrete behind my cart once a week for a year. New premium performance graphite shaft. Re-shafted after I broke it over my knee at the annual guy’s trip. Oversized grip to accommodate my arthritic wrist from overuse during my teens. Great club. Low price to a good home.

Any Single Golfers Here?

Want to round out a threesome? Game for a foursome? If you enjoy golf and slick greens, I am looking for a partner. Must be long and straight with the big stick. Must use premium balls. No cheaters. Call me for a tee time.

Standard issue golf club head covers, designed to keep clubs from clanking (and help advertise club makers), are out. Boring! Instead, many of the world’s best women golfers express their personality and sense of humor through unique and funny head covers.

At the LGPA’s Safeway Classic near Portland, Oregon we have seen dozens of clever covers. Owls, Yoda, Snoopy, boxing gloves and ski gloves and – our personal favorite – a horse’s ass. What’s not to like about a funny head cover?

The women’s tour features a growing youthful contingent perhaps more likely than their elders to appreciate Hello Kitty and other shades of cute. The average age of exempt LPGA Tour players has dropped nearly three years in the last decade, according to LPGA.com. And, Women’s Golf Center says this year the average age in the Top 20 is 24 years old, with just three players over age 30.

But you don’t have to be a kid to decorate your golf bag with style. Hack has a 3-wood tribute to his beloved purebred pooch and he’s no college frat boy.

Even still, some players haven’t yet caught the craze. Becky Iverson, not necessarily known for her sense of style, was asked Friday why she doesn’t carry head covers on her fairway woods. “These clubs are too old,” she said with a laugh. “What’s there to protect?”

Do you have a stylish head cover for your clubs? Tell us about it, or send a photo to staff@niceballz.com.

We force fed some of his soundbites through the Bullsh!t-o-meter and here’s what we got.

Q. What did you think of the golf course?

Tiger: It’s interesting. (Laughter).

BSOM Translation: Get the bulldozers warmed up.

Q. What’s the most interesting thing about it?

Tiger: I think just the whole thing, the angles you have, green complexes, the wind blowing, a lot of cross wind shots. So it’s going to definitely test your ball striking and if you miss the green, it’s very tight, you have so many options, you can spin the ball or carry it or bump it or you can use a lot of putters around the golf course.

BSOM Translation: Interestingly I can’t spray it and still get up and down for eagle or birdie. What the f*ck is that all about?

Q. What was behind your decision to play this week?

Tiger: I want to play. I qualified, so

BSOM Translation: Finchem called and begged. Then wept and begged some more. At first I said “OK I’ll do it” and he was all like “Really!?!” and I would laugh and say “Of course not dummy” and would hang up. But after a half a dozen calls like that I decided to play. You’re welcome.

Q. Do you think it’s fair if you could win the next three weeks and not win the FedExCup with eight wins this year?

Tiger: It could happen.

BSOM Translation: It could but it won’t. Look at me, you see what I’m saying? It could … but it won’t.

Q. It could very well happen?

Tiger: It could very well happen, no doubt. Guys who haven’t won a tournament all year could win the FedExCup.

It is quite interesting how it could work out that way.

BSOM Translation: If it does happen, I’m going to use the FedEx cup to potty train Charlie.

But when the desire to earn goes to the extremes of Bernie Madhoff and Enron-type behaviors - then greed has gone too far and we need to be a little more skeptical about what everyone is selling and buying.

So when we heard that TaylorMade is preparing to unleash a 5 piece ball – the Penta – on consumers in the near future, I had to chuckle.

A 5 piece ball?!?  C’mon.  What amateur will truly benefit from that technology?

I could go on but I think the late great Bill Hicks covers it all pretty well in the below clip (Note: Some NSFW language, but if you’re reading this, you’d probably expect as much from anything we share):

“What did you do today honey?”

“I sold a golf ball nobody needs, and nearly as few will be able to hit properly.”

“Oh that’s nice.”

PS – Thanks to the fellas @Triple_Bogey for reminding me about Bill Hicks at their site.

It’s over. Your swing has gone further south than your girlfriends’ tan lines.

Don’t get me wrong, that would make my putter stand up straight. But yours seems to be all wobbly and, um, cock-eyed.

Maybe it’s the girlfriend – who could blame you? Maybe it’s that you’re just young, rich and easily distracted. You wouldn’t be the first to fall victim to those siren songs.

But I can’t have you dragging me down, bro. No, no, no. So you’ve got to go.

I know you said we were taking a ‘break.’  Fair enough.  How about you work on a few other breaks – like breaking 80, ok hoss?

Well, I’m off. If you’re in the neighborhood don’t stop by.

I’ve already alerted security to keep you off the practice facility and they aren’t afraid to get a little rough. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to that pretty face now right? It may be the only meal ticket you have left. 

And don’t get any ideas of going after Gulbis either. I don’t want you messin with her mojo, or any other parts.  Besides, trust me, you’re not her type.

Best o’luck,
Butchie

For one, you can’t buy clubs with the specifications Tour pros use. And, if you did, you couldn’t play them. Shafts as heavy as a hammer and as stiff as a telephone pole. Special sole grinds for “maximum turf interaction.” Whatever.

NiceBallz introduces Baggage, a new feature that provides you with a look inside our golf bags at the clubs we carry — and the real deal behind the specs. Here is a peek inside GolferWriterGuy’s bag, and the baggage he brings with him to the golf course each week:

Driver- Callaway FT-5 Tour (9.5 degree loft, Aldila NV stiff shaft 65 grams). Average approx. 265 yards. I bought this club for the 460 cubic centimeters of forgiveness and the open clubface, which took the snap hook out of play but brought a big banana ball as my main miss. Fore right! Nah, I can’t complain. After a sale, a coupon and a trade-in I got this club new for about $92. What do you want for less than $100?

Hybrid- Adams Golf Idea a2 (20 degree, Aldila NV stiff shaft 85 g). Average approx. 210. Great on short par 4s and long par 3s, this hybrid hits the ball low and long. The only problem is it will go as far as about 225 when I pure it, outdistancing some players’ 3-wood, but on miss hits it only goes about 180. That’s a huge gap. When it’s good, it’s real good. Otherwise, it’s not. That’s not good.

Irons- Titleist DCI 962 (4-PW, True Temper Dynamic Gold Sensicore stiff S-300 steel shafts). These are classic clubs, with a thin topline, a modest progressive offset and a reasonable cavity back. These irons are two degrees upright, and I often hook the hell out of them. However, I do love these irons and have owned them about 12 years. Why change? I’m too cheap to buy a new set. But, my ego does take a beating because most modern iron sets feature clubs with lofts that are 2- to 4-degrees stronger. In essence, the contemporary 7-iron is what they used to call a 6-iron. That’s why they go farther today. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Wedges- Titleist Vokey Design Spin Milled (52, 56 and 60 degrees, True Temper Dynamic Gold wedge flex). These wedges go anywhere from about 75 yards to about 105 yards — unless I chunk it or blade them. They are versatile with great feel, but the square grooves have spun balls off the front of a green more often than they have helped. Regardless, all that backspin makes me feel cool. It’s sad, I know.

Putter- Boccieri Golf Heavy Putter BM-2. I stole this putter from Hack. No, really. Took it right out of his garage, though I did eventually pay $75 for it. My stroke was so bad with my old stick that I constantly missed 2- and 3-footers. A serious case of the yips. That’s pretty bad for someone not yet 40 years old. But the counter-balanced Heavy Putter got me straightened out. Lag putting is more difficult, but then I make more 5-footers than I used to. It all works out. However, this club is a heavy load. Double up on the Advil before you tee off or book a chiropractic appointment for Monday. Maybe both.

Misc.- My bag includes several other miscellaneous items including a rules booklet that I never consult, and a huge poker chip of a ball mark that really pisses people off on the greens. I have some Blistex in my bag. I once went on a date with an heiress to a lip balm fortune but she wasn’t into me. Maybe my lips were too dry. Anyway, I also carry a ton of groceries so I can graze during a 5-hour round. Two Gatorades, two apples, two energy bars and one banana. I’ve got it down to a science because I’m freaky like that.

That’s all the baggage I care to share. Stay tuned soon when Hack shares his baggage with the world.

Do you have any baggage? Lay down on the couch and tell us.