For all we know this could be the savior the LPGA needs.  It’s silly to be overly optimistic or pessimistic about his chances at this point.  But it’s never too early to poke fun.

To that end…we humbly submit:

The Top 5 people/things that have a higher profile than new LPGA Commissioner Mike Whan:

#5 - The Chupacabra

Claim to fame: Sucking goats dry of their blood.  Having spooky glowy eyes.

Higher profile than Whan because: Had it’s own special on MonsterQuest.

Years until Whan eclipses its stature: 5, although if Whan can capture a Chupacabra we would knock it down to 2.

#4 – Jimmy Hoffa’s resting place

Claim to fame: Being the quintessential example of what happens when you f*ck with da family!

Higher profile than Whan because: It’s a piece of prime real estate in the Florida wetlands or, where the Jets lease space from the Giants (see above photo).

Years until Whan eclipses its stature: 10, and then only if Whan never returns from a roadside diner meeting with Carolyn Bivens.

# 3 – The non-Justin Timberlake members of N’Sync

Claim to fame: Launching Justin Timberlake’s singing career and future as a golf course savior.

Higher profile than Whan because: Joey Fatone on Broadway and Lance Bass coming out? Case closed.

Years until Whan eclipses their stature: 15, unless Whan releases a solo debut album that brings sexy back to the LPGA.  Then, 3 years tops.

#2 – The Unknown Comic

Claim to fame: A Gong Show staple.

Higher profile than Whan because: Um hellooooo the freakin’ Gong Show?

Years until Whan eclipses their stature: 20, unless Whan knows how to tell a joke that doesn’t suck.

#1 – The Colonel’s Secret Recipe of 11 herbs and spices

Claim to fame: Making fowl taste so…so fine. 

Higher profile than Whan because: It’s finger lickin’ good!

Years until Whan eclipses its stature: Never…it’s impossible.  And if you don’t believe me…just watch the below clip for confirmation.

Good luck Commissioner Whan!

noun

1. the parts of a sentence, paragraph, discourse, etc. immediately next to or surrounding a specified word or passage and determining its exact meaning to quote a remark out of context

Robert Allenby is full of it.  A few days (nothing like being timely by the way) after trashing Anthony Kim for being ‘the loosest cannon’ on the American team and exhibiting off the course behavior that was akin to being the new John Daly…Allenby today did the predictable thing – He made up a lie an excuse about his words being taken out of context, and tacked on an apology for good measure.

If Allenby wanted us to buy that his words were taken out of context it may have been helpful if he had actually taken care to put his words IN the proper context.  For example, maybe when Allenby said: “Maybe we should all take the theory of Anthony Kim. Get home at 4 o’clock (in the morning) and then go shoot 6 under.”

Perhaps the context left out was: “…Get home at 4 o’clock after taking sandwiches and blankets to the homeless all night, and then stopping by a local Church to pray for those unfortunate souls…”ok, then Allenby would have reason to be grumpy.

Or maybe when Allenby said: “…He is the loosest cannon in that team.”  The lacking context was something like: “I mean look at his shoulders in his swing…so loose, his hips too. I bet he’s an excellent dancer.”

But it seems like Allenby is just pulling the typical ‘out of context’ card that many public figures mistakenly believe makes their apology more sincere or believable.  Does it even sound believable to essentially say –  ”I’m really sorry for what I said…which was misquoted and/or taken out of context…but still…I’m really sorry.” If you were misquoted or taken out of context…then why are you sorry?

What you mean is:

• I’m sorry I got caught.
• I’m sorry I said it when cameras/recorders were on.
• I’m sorry I was drunk and said/did that.
• I’m sorry I am going to lose money/stature as a result of this.
• I’m sorry I said something so dumb.

It’s the crisis communications equivalent of saying ‘wasn’t me’. Of course Allenby is far from alone in playing the ‘out of context’ card. Another well-known offender was Carolyn Bivens the (now) Ex-LPGA Commissioner.

After saying tweeting during a round on the LPGA could be good fun, Bivens issued the following statement once her players made it clear they thought she was out of her ever-loving gourd.

“Comments that I made in a conversation with a writer last week regarding the importance of social media and tweeting have been taken out of context. We have not discussed tweeting or the use of handheld devices during tournament rounds with the USGA, or even within the LPGA, nor do we intend to. Our players will not be tweeting during the rounds of LPGA events.”

I’ve had the good fortune of being employed in the PR/communications industry for many years now and have counseled a number of different clients.  The reality is some listen, take counsel and form a partnership with their communications experts.  Others, simply view communications as a means to an end, a tactic. Usually the latter group are who you see using phrases like ‘out of context’ once they’ve gotten caught in an unexpected swirl of controversy.

Sure, there are (more infrequently than not) comments that are taken out of context.  It can be done by any unscrupulous member of the media.  But the media are held accountable too.  If they regularly lie, eventually they will get caught and suffer consequences as well.  And if you’re going to claim out of context then please…at least provide the context that was lacking/removed.  Otherwise the claim is utterly unbelievable.

da Vinci supposedly said “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

In this day and age when public skepticism is high and tired excuses have worn thin, a more sophisticated approach to take when you say or do something that you later wish you hadn’t, is to just admit it, apologize and try to move on.

The Bullsh!t-o-meter helps you filter through the double meanings, marketing hyperbole and practiced soundbites from golf entities and individuals so you can get down to the pure, unvarnished truth. 

We simply insert a section of a press release, statement or other source of completely indecipherable gobbility gook and POOF – out comes an easily understood translation. 

Experience for yourself the magic of the Bullsh!t-o-meter.

The introduction of TaylorMade’s new adjustable R9 driver:

“The R9 driver offers eight positions (lots of ways to screw yourself up), and changing from one position to another is easy (as long as you take the time read a special manual, which we know men won’t) and takes only a matter of seconds (is frustratingly slow when all you really want to do is mash balls),” said Dr. Benoit Vincent, TaylorMade’s chief technical officer. “When changing (with a special wrench; if you lose it you’re screwed), it’s important to recognize (you need a consistent swing like Sergio Garcia to benefit) that as the face angle closes, the loft increases; and as the face angle opens, the loft decreases.” Thus the R9 driver is engineered to promote trajectories that are 1) increasingly higher (they balloon), long-carrying and which move from right-to-left (it’s a snap freakin’ duck hook); 2) increasingly lower (you hit it thin, really thin), more controllable and which move from left-to-right (wicked banana ball); or 3) which are neutral, with relatively straight flight and at mid-level height (exactly how Sergio hits his big @ss drives; you could do the same if only you had his 125-mile-per-hour swing speed).

The delayed opening of a Tiger Woods-designed golf course in Dubai:

“It’s six months as of right now (at least a year late, probably longer). It’s going to be behind schedule. Obviously, the economy has turned over there (a complete economic meltdown) and they’ve slowed down construction (the whole region was totally overbuilt with too many hotels, office parks and golf resorts because everyone thought the United Arab of Emirates was going to be the next great luxury real estate market) because of it,” Ruwaya Golf Course designer Tiger Woods said. “The economy needs to turn around (Ya hear me Obama?). If it gets stimulated (can an eventual billionaire get some tax breaks up in here?), we can pick up to the point where we might open earlier (ain’t happening), but who knows? It’s out of my hands (I’m focused on winning majors now and we’ll sort this sh!t out during the silly season).”

The resignation of Carolyn Bivens as LPGA Commissioner:

“We’ll soon have in place a Commissioner to lead us into 2010 and beyond (By ‘beyond’ we mean ~ 3 years, which is the shelf life for recent commissioners) but until then, it’s important that we immediately appoint an Acting Commissioner whom we know and trust (Unlike Bivens, who we know, but don’t trust),” Hudson said. “As a Board of players and independent directors, we wanted an Acting Commissioner with experience leading large organization, one who appreciates and listens to our player members (Will do what they’re told) and tournament owners (Knows how to suck up), understands sponsors and their challenges and needs (Really REALLY knows how to suck up), and has a track record that commands respect (She’s a REAR Admiral yo? Respect!). We’re pleased that Marty Evans will be our Acting Commissioner, as she fits all the criteria necessary during these challenging economic times for sports leagues. (We’re scared sh*tless)“

• Tremendous amounts of youthful talent: Creamer, Lincicome, Pressel, the huge number of talented young foreign born players to mention just a few.  The future of the sport looks strong, you don’t have to worry about your star player retiring next year.
• Scandal-less?: Not a drug scandal, sex scandal or even cheating scandal to be found.  One less problem to worry about and the ability to focus on what is key – sponsorships.
• An intelligent, attractive, athletic product: There are exceptions as is the case in any sport, but by in large your product – the players – are a smart and positive set of role models for a much sought after demographic.  It’s not as though you’re trying to market something that is an acquired taste. 

Good luck.

Hack’s Father, Mr. Hack, always used to tell him that opinions are like…well, you probably know the rest of the saying.  This is just our humble opinion.  We’re quite sure that whoever the new LPGA Commissioner is they will be uber successful and come to the table with a number of great ideas on how to shore up the tour.  We truly are pulling for them.  You can follow Hack at http://twitter.com/NiceBallz and his collaborator Corey at http://twitter.com/GolferWriterGuy.

But, there was also much criticism about whether mid-round “tweets” would slow play, distract the players and cause poor scoring, or even add any value. Meanwhile, the LPGA backed away from the supposed plan, saying it never was in the works in the first place, comments in the mainstream media were taken out of context and emphatically stating ”players will not be tweeting during the rounds of LPGA events.”

While we were initially intrigued, frankly we think the pros can offer more instant insight by wearing microphones during their round. Overhearing on TV the decision making process between a player and a caddie is fascinating.  Or, give fans insight through brief, live interviews at “halftime” – at the turn between nine holes. Other sports do it.

For casual weekend golfers Twittering on a mobile phone when they should be ready to hit could distract them, slow play further or annoy friends and playing partners. Not good. But, we don’t know. Has anyone really tested it? Could it hurt to try just once? What if the LPGA — if it ever really intended to proceed — had researched Twittering in advance?

We’re not advocates for Twittering regularly during golf. Sure, we’ve sent updates once or twice. And, we know the idea is dead on the pro tours. But we’re curious.

It it fun? Boring? Distracting? Do people enjoy your updates? Did you learn something about your own mindset or course management? Was it just a waste of time, as excruciating as hearing someone recount their round shot-by-shot at the 19th hole? Maybe more kids would play if they could also be online? We’ll see. Let’s hear from the people.Send some tweets when you play next and then share your feedback over the next week. Or, if you’ve tweeted during your round in the past, tell us about it. Let us know by posting a comment below, emailing us at staff@niceballz.com or sharing your point of view with us at http://twitter.com/NiceBallz or http://twitter.com/GolferWriterGuy.