NiceBallz - Play Ballzy

Sometimes under the deluge of news in the world of golf what’s really being said can be hard to find.  It is for this reason that we here at NiceBallz are providing a tool in transparency for you dear reader.

The Bullsh!t-o-meter helps you filter through the double meanings, marketing hyperbole and practiced soundbites from golf entities and individuals so you can get down to the pure, unvarnished truth. 

We simply insert a section of a press release, statement or other source of completely indecipherable gobbility gook and POOF – out comes an easily understood translation. 

Experience for yourself the magic of the Bullsh!t-o-meter.

The introduction of TaylorMade’s new adjustable R9 driver:

“The R9 driver offers eight positions (lots of ways to screw yourself up), and changing from one position to another is easy (as long as you take the time read a special manual, which we know men won’t) and takes only a matter of seconds (is frustratingly slow when all you really want to do is mash balls),” said Dr. Benoit Vincent, TaylorMade’s chief technical officer. “When changing (with a special wrench; if you lose it you’re screwed), it’s important to recognize (you need a consistent swing like Sergio Garcia to benefit) that as the face angle closes, the loft increases; and as the face angle opens, the loft decreases.” Thus the R9 driver is engineered to promote trajectories that are 1) increasingly higher (they balloon), long-carrying and which move from right-to-left (it’s a snap freakin’ duck hook); 2) increasingly lower (you hit it thin, really thin), more controllable and which move from left-to-right (wicked banana ball); or 3) which are neutral, with relatively straight flight and at mid-level height (exactly how Sergio hits his big @ss drives; you could do the same if only you had his 125-mile-per-hour swing speed).

The delayed opening of a Tiger Woods-designed golf course in Dubai:

“It’s six months as of right now (at least a year late, probably longer). It’s going to be behind schedule. Obviously, the economy has turned over there (a complete economic meltdown) and they’ve slowed down construction (the whole region was totally overbuilt with too many hotels, office parks and golf resorts because everyone thought the United Arab of Emirates was going to be the next great luxury real estate market) because of it,” Ruwaya Golf Course designer Tiger Woods said. “The economy needs to turn around (Ya hear me Obama?). If it gets stimulated (can an eventual billionaire get some tax breaks up in here?), we can pick up to the point where we might open earlier (ain’t happening), but who knows? It’s out of my hands (I’m focused on winning majors now and we’ll sort this sh!t out during the silly season).”

The resignation of Carolyn Bivens as LPGA Commissioner:

“We’ll soon have in place a Commissioner to lead us into 2010 and beyond (By ‘beyond’ we mean ~ 3 years, which is the shelf life for recent commissioners) but until then, it’s important that we immediately appoint an Acting Commissioner whom we know and trust (Unlike Bivens, who we know, but don’t trust),” Hudson said. “As a Board of players and independent directors, we wanted an Acting Commissioner with experience leading large organization, one who appreciates and listens to our player members (Will do what they’re told) and tournament owners (Knows how to suck up), understands sponsors and their challenges and needs (Really REALLY knows how to suck up), and has a track record that commands respect (She’s a REAR Admiral yo? Respect!). We’re pleased that Marty Evans will be our Acting Commissioner, as she fits all the criteria necessary during these challenging economic times for sports leagues. (We’re scared sh*tless)“