The D.B.I. – Douchebag Index
Where do you rank?
Recently my co-collaborator, golfing addict and good friend, @GolferWriterGuy and I played a round as a twosome.
This isn’t uncommon, we have a group of roughly five or six guys who we play with regularly, but we only get a full foursome maybe once a month.
So the lottery effect of what kind of person(s) are we going to get paired with often is a point of discussion on the range prior-to teeing off. You look around, subtly sizing up those around you with a mish mash of knee-jerk reactionary thoughts:
“God, not the guy in the full Cleveland.”
“Crap, it’s going to be the 70-year-plus couple who are knocking it 20 yards at a time.”
“Not the guy who is mashing it 300 yards off the range, please!”
Judgmental? Yes, but we’re honest enough to admit to the thoughts that probably every golfer has had at least once. Fair? No, and our own on-course conversation this past weekend proved just how unfair it was. Or at least, how you need to be careful how strict a lens you put to others.
So when we were paired up with Jim and Harley (names changed to protect the innocent) we were still forming our own D.B.I. (douche bag index) ratings. A small example goes like this:
- Complain about a shot that lands safely on the green: +1 on the DBI
- Talk incessantly during the round with cute anecdotes about how your buddy’s buddy once yelled ‘get in the hole’ during one of Tiger’s shots four years ago?: +4 DBI
- Throw a club?: +10 DBI
- Fix a ballmark for a fellow player: -1 DBI
- Help a player look for and recover a ‘lost’ ball: -4 DBI
You get the idea. The higher the DBI the more likely you are viewed as well…you know, d-baggy.
It only took to the 3rd tee when Corey hit his 5-iron a little thwacky towards the green on a par 3. “Ugh, that sucks!” he said, sounding assured of the shot going wildly into a bunker or the lake nearby.
Instead, it plopped safely on the green for a 25-foot birdie putt.
“Plus 1 on the DBI,” I murmured to him as we walked toward the hole.
On the next tee, after getting away with an errant tee shot on a hole that has long been my nemesis I was whining how I ‘hadn’t hit that one right’ while my ball rested comfortably in the fairway.
“Plus 1 on the DBI, complaining about a tee shot that is safe,” Corey rightfully chastised me. Then he paused and added, “Maybe we’re the douchebags?”
Maybe we were. In reality Jim and Harley were overall good company and great random partners for the round. Jim was a strong golfer and didn’t hold up play. Yes, Harley got a +4 penalty for yammering on a bit too often, but it was easily offset by all the other good things they offered like keeping a positive attitude when things weren’t going their way…encouraging and recognizing good efforts by all of us in the group and giving each other a good natured hard time (-3 on the DBI), much to our amusement.
What’s your DBI? Hard to say…but we’ve learned how to keep ours a little lower on the course now.
Starting with not judging a book by its cover: -10 DBI.
Hack
Hack believes that anyone offended by the d-bag word or the concept of a DBI in general, probably has a pretty high DBI index anyway and would never have found this amusing either.
Loading ...
Completely on side with your rating system, although, as a woman, I would feel a bit odd using the D.B.I. I would likely change it up to personalize it a bit for myself. Thinking: O.A.I. – Obnoxious Asshole Index. A little more unisex – no? I’m just saying.
The DBI does not discriminate based on gender, age, race or religion. It is universally accepted that a high DBI (or OAI) is to be avoided. But of course individuals may adjust the terminology to suit their personal preferences. Tax and title fees may apply. Your mileage may vary.
Gotta work some “intangibles” into the DBI. Peacock, Stylish, or Slobbish ? Multiple rangefinders ? Hogs the cooler with their beverages ? Uses Naked Lady tees ?
How about the 23 handicapper who is his own personal Johnny Miller? You know, he slices the ball into the woods for the fifth hole in a row and then tells us that he’s not completing his swing?
Of course that happens when you are settling your mind into your own shot.
That’s the same guy who grounds his clubs in hazards, adjusts his ball to suit himself in the rough and calls his six foot side-hillers good and one-handedly smacks the ball towards the hole and misses by eight inches, but explains that he would have made it had he actually putted it seriously.
Finally, after you pull into the clubhouse lot after the round, he adds up his scorecard and tells you that he won the match, failing to mention his eleven lost balls, 27 penalty strokes not assessed and wrongly entered scores (yes, you got an eight, not a six, pal.)
Good Stuff
I love you guys. You are so funny. I think it is extra funny because it is true.
Thank you all for the comments and for reading. We truly appreciate it
.
Hack
Help a player look for and recover a ‘lost’ ball: -4 DBI
Don’t help a player look for and recover a ‘lost’ ball: +4 DBI
Tell you there is “some meat left on that bone” when you hit a bad first putt: +2 DBI
Making inappropriate comments to the cart girl: +4 DBI
Saying “nice shot” etc.: -2 DBI
Giving honor when you beat him on a hole: -2 DBI
Mmm – I think O.A.I is more international, although maybe Americans could have some fun with gullible Europeans with D.B.I. (Too late – I’ve looked it up on Wikipedia).
Personally I think it is worth scoring +1D.B.I with a tut of disgust at one’s own excellent tee shot when paired with an O.A.
It’s official! I golfed with the guy who holds the title for the highest D.B.I. in history today.
Played my husband’s ball by “mistake” twice.
Hovered behind us in our sight-line countless times at tee-off and in the fairway.
Only hit it past the red tee box 6 times and when he didn’t, wandered around looking for his ball before everyone had teed off. (I was tempted to drive one in his head)
Yapped loud enough on his cell-phone that he could be heard across the fairway.
Yapped incessantly all day long – with not a single interesting thing to say.
Kept saying he “never plays this bad”.
At every water hazard, searched for balls along the edge and then proceeded to play a different brand ball at every hole, creating ball confusion all day.
On the one decent shot he hit, he felt compelled to mention to my husband that his ball had landed closer to the pin, as though we couldn’t see it for ourselves.
His only redeeming quality was his partner – his father, a sweet old guy who I’m pretty sure was embarrassed by his own spawn.
We can only hope this will be the worst pairing of the season. It can’t get any worse!
Played a couple of weeks ago with a guy who’s D.B.I was through the roof!
Charge sheet:
1)Asked me 8 questions by the time we had walked down the first fairway +2
2)Cracked unfunny jokes all afternoon long even though nobody laughed +3
3)Couldn’t play for shit but insisted on rushing everybody else (maybe we’d be quicker if you hit 4 less shots every whole buddy)+2
4)When stopped by someone in the bar for dropping an F Bomb in front of the female bartender, he turned to the bartender (who hadn’t said a word) and said “well you were swearing last night weren’t you hun?”. +8
At this point, someone in the clubhouse said loud enough for all to hear “I remember a time when this was a club for gentlemen”.
I wouldn’t play again with this absolute definition of a D Bag if you paid me…
Priceless! My golfing buddies and I will put the D-bag Index into full use immediately.
I gotta admit though, something about this sport either attracts good people or brings out the better sides of the bad ones, because in a lifetime of not being afraid to go out as a single, I’ve only ever been paired with a handfull of true douchebags.
Either that, or I have very low standards for personal character. Yeah, that must be it.
[...] herself a two for the hole and a six after two holes. Regrettably, I have to assess her a couple DBI points because she complained a bit to the camera about the putt. Sara sinks her putt giving [...]