We say though Dustin, good for you…that sort of mindless ‘just hit it’ play put you into contention in the first place, so stick with what got ya there and you’ll get one of those big boy trophies soon enough.

Here’s to you DJ – cue the music!

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FU.

No…really.  Thanks to the Deadspin story about you, I now can revel not only in the (ongoing) knowledge that I have yet to record an ace, but that an unbelievably greedy bastard such as yourself has two.  Oh…and two in ONE FREAKING ROUND no less.

Oh yes, sit there (yellow shirt, khaki shorts, white hat, sh*t-eating grin) with that smug look.  You definitely appear to be a man who just nutted two aces in one round.  Have you no shame? No decency sir? 

The closest I ever came to scoring an ace was at Bandon Dunes about 5 years ago.  I’d JUST eagled a par 5 at Pacific Dunes – (only my 3rd ever) and we were on a par 3 that immediately followed.  We were using caddies as we’d never played the course, and my guy was awesome.  Sort of a seasoned Scottish mage meets NY hobo. It worked for him. 

“Take it right over that mound”,  he said…and inexplicably I was able to actually hit it roughly where he had pointed. 

Another caddy in our group yelled “Say my name bitch!”as it flew to the green and landed softly…rolling rolling rolling…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand stops 6″ from the cup.

GAH!

I’ve never come that close since. 

So here’s to you Rich Schultz and your two stinking holes-in-one.  Prick.

UPDATE – 24, August

OH…MY…GOD.  Look at this f*cking guy!  There will be no living with him now people.

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Several rounds were purchased by a friend of Corey’s (The friend is a non-golfer, but apparently liberal drinker during charity auctions = winning combo for us!) and they include a few rounds at some local private clubs.

Free golf AND at private golf clubs?  Golf chubby!

I’ve always been intrigued by the country club scene.  I worked at a public golf course in college that was affiliated with a private course so we had members at our course and golfing privileges at the private track.  The certain air of entitlement and confidence that the members had contrasted to the resentment and congenial attitude of the public crowd.  It was a fascinating social anthropology experience.

So with a slew of free golf upcoming I decided to seek out more info on one of the clubs we’ll be playing soon.  Here was the form letter I got in response.  Bolded text = our commentary.

Good Afternoon [redacted],

Thank you for expressing interest in Membership at [redacted]. We are a family oriented club (no gays, hippies or Obama voters please) that offers a vast array of activities in addition to golf that appeals to all ages. Once you join a great club such as [redacted], you can appreciate all the wonderful benefits of belonging to a special community (like Jonestown).
 
We offer two forms of Membership, Regular full golf Membership (the wealthy) and the second Social Membership (the merely well-off).

The current entry fee for a Regular (full golf) Membership is $42,000. (haha, nice typo!  $42k…that’s funny…oh, wait…nevermind) This category provides full golfing privileges with dues at $498 per month, a monthly assessment of $35 and a quarterly Dining Room minimum of $165.  Regular Membership allows you and your family full golf and social privileges at the Club (including the monthly 60-and-over key party!). 

PGC also offers a Social Membership that provides the member with full social privileges (sans key parties). This category offers limited golfing privileges at $237 per month, a monthly assessment of $16 and a quarterly dining Room minimum of $165. The current entry fee for this category is $2,500. The golf privileges for the member and spouse are as follows:  one round of golf per month each (with payment of guest green fees – $50) - (so for $290 a month, before restaurant and assessment I get exactly one round of golf…boh-kay then!) and six rounds of golf per year as the guest of a regular member and payment of guest greens fees – $100.  Children- no golf privileges except summer Junior Golf program.  A Social member enjoys unlimited use of the clubhouse and facilities (pool and tennis courts).  They are also entitled to sponsoring/hosting private social events. 

The membership application process takes approximately 45 days (30 of which are spent undergoing rigorous physical testing – including DNA analysis to trace your, ahem, ethnic heritage). I would be happy to give you a tour of the facility and invite you out for a round of golf. Just let me know and I’ll set something up for you.  

Let’s do the math shall we?  The vast majority of country club members today are made up by the boomer generation.  That generation is now somewhere between 46-64 years of age depending on who you listen to on when it began (most everyone agrees 1946ish) and ends (some discrepancy but usually around the middle-ish 1960’s).

The average life expectancy of a U.S. male is around 76 years.  That means best case scenario many of these clubs can expect to start seeing the beginning of 20+ years worth of serious economic drain begin in the next decade.

And what is their grand plan?  Um, well nothing. I don’t begrudge those who wish to spend this amount of money to be a member of a club.  Oh sure the old cliche’s of being exclusionary still exist…but that’s not what this post is about.

What I find confusing is what are they doing to even draw in moderately younger members?  Using myself and some friends I know as an example – I could join a club like the one above and be locked into feeling like I have to play the same course week in and out.  Or I could…

- Play public courses, many of which are as good, or arguably better in quality than the older country club courses for anywhere between $49-$89 a round at peak rate.

- Take the money I save and put it towards some amazing golf trips over the next decade like St. Andrews, Florida, Pebble, Hawaii, etc.

- Invest in other sports I enjoy such as season (full or partial) tickets to baseball, football or basketball teams.

Given the choices above does anyone think the country club establishment has a sound plan for long-term viability? 

Of course the long-term, well established clubs will always have a pool of ‘old money’ to keep them afloat, but once the boomer generation dies off altogether, can all of them really afford to remain fully private?

At any rate, I’m off to chunk up some private club driving range turf.  Fore, WASPS!

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Yet, what if we’d had Twitter through the ages?  What may our golfing forefathers had shared? 

Behold, what Twitter could hath wrought:

Old Tom Morris: “Kids today, all about ye old bomb and gouge. Young Tommy sailed a brassie 230 yards yesterday. These new wood shafts will be the end of golf!”

Young Tom Morris: “Ugh, Dad asking me how to ‘reply’ on Twitter again. What a wank.”

Bobby Jones:“Augusta Galactical?  Augusta – Bro’s before Ho’s?  BJ’s Place? Damn this naming a golf course thing is hard.”

Ben Hogan: “Stop tweetin’ at me me kid, can’t ya see I’m eating my soup.”

Arnold Palmer: “Whew!  Hot one today. Bartender gave me a half lemonade/half ice tea. Called it ‘the Jimmy’ after himself. Not anymore pal. Not anymore.”

Jack Nicklaus:“Thank God for that lifetime exemption baby! Balls in the air @ ‘86 Masters shortly. Think I have a great shot at breaking top 10! #nochance”

Jan Stephenson: “Love my new cover! Skin to win darlin! http://bit.ly/9RJC7q ”

Seve Ballesteros: “I miss the hole…I miss the hole…I miss the hole…I hole it. #howIroll”

Greg Norman: “Final round of ‘96 Masters, lovin’ it. Handed my jacket measurements to Jack Stephens so we could speed up the post-round ceremony.”

Tiger Woods*: “Free headcover to my next 100 lady followers! Recent profile photos required.”

*Yes I know Twitter’s been around during Tiger’s tenure. But what’s a post without a T-Dub male-whoring reference?

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Vince Spence, better known perhaps to those in the golf blogging community as The One-Eyed Golfer, has passed away.

When Corey and I first entered into the golf blog world around a year ago Vince was one of the first people who started reading our stuff and commenting.  He seemed to appreciate our humor (or attempts at being humorous) and regularly weighed in with his perspective.

It’s hard to claim I knew Vince well.  We never met in person.  Never spoke on the phone.  Never traded emails extensively.  A few direct messages on Twitter now and again.

But the connection you begin to feel build with someone when you read what they write and vice versa is undeniable.  I felt like I knew him, and I believe based on what I read over the past year I did, to at least some small extent, have a glimpse at the larger portrait of the man.   

I remember a comment he left on one of our posts saying he had become a ‘fan’.  That made my day.  Maybe because he reminded me somewhat of my Dad – a tad crusty, opinionated but not vindictive and always maintaining a sense of humor that implied a sense of true perspective on what really mattered.

I also enjoyed reading Vince’s stuff.  Mainly because he often delivered a historical slant in his posts that I could not find in hardly any other golf blog.  I still wish I’d won the bidding for that t-shirt.

I’m not even sure what more to say, other than Godspeed Vince.  My condolences to your family and thank you for spending a little bit of your time on this world with us.

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The No. 1 ranked player on the Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) Tour recently announced her retirement and it barely registered. No extensive coverage on ESPN, no screaming headlines in USA Today. There was a collective yawn, as if asking, “Lorena who?”

Of course, Lorena Ochoa’s decision was revealed during the National Football League (NFL) draft, which dominates sports news. Oh yeah, and volcanic ash crippled the world’s air travel. But in any other major professional sport, the top player’s abrupt retirement would make national news. Kobe Bryant. Peyton Manning. Alex Rodriguez. Tiger Woods. All men, you say? If race car driver Danica Patrick retired in her prime you’d know about it.

To be honest, I didn’t even know Ochoa had decided to step away until our partners at Speaking of Golf, a syndicated golf talk radio program, mentioned it days later as a topic for our latest appearance. I’ve been busy and I was traveling – not paying close attention to the news. Even still, you’d think I’d catch a headline in the airport or a hotel lobby. Nope.

What does this lack of news coverage tell us? Unfortunately, no one cares. Well, maybe a few people – LPGA brass, tournament sponsors and some golf bloggers – but not many. The media gives the people what they want, and apparently it’s not women’s golf. That’s too bad because there are talented players and seemingly the potential for sponsors to reach women consumers who often control the purse strings.

Ochoa has dominated her sport for several years, winning nearly 30 times including two major championships and holding the top spot in the Rolex Rankings for three years. However, candidly I didn’t even know she was still No. 1, and supposedly I’m a golf blogger. I thought Yani Tseng was the top-ranked female professional golfer. Oops.

At only 28 years old, Ochoa’s retirement seems sudden. Hasty, even. She’s spoken of wanting to start a new life, and presumably have children – though she’s already a stepmom to three children reportedly between the ages of 7 and 14. The rationale for retirement is not entirely clear. She seems to want to follow in Annika Sorenstam’s footsteps, who recently retired in her late 30s after a decade of dominance. Only Ochoa seems insistent on retiring with her slim lead in the rankings intact, something Sorenstam did not do.

Whatever her reasons, I applaud Ochoa’s decision. She’s going out on top. Ochoa’s won the last four consecutive Player of the Year awards. She’s already wealthy, having earned nearly $15 million in career earnings alone – not to mention endorsement income. She’s accomplished nearly everything there is to achieve, although she steps away two years short of qualifying for the LPGA Hall of Fame, which requires a certain level of achievement points (a threshold Ochoa has met) and a minimum of 10 years as an active member on tour. Ochoa would have been eligible for entrance into the Hall of Fame in 2012. Perhaps she will return or the rules will be altered.

Regardless, she can do whatever she wants. The criticism is not of Ochoa and her personal interests or decisions. But, her departure is the latest indictment of the LPGA and reflects the waning interest in women’s golf. Not only are total tournaments and prize money down, but now the best player is leaving and – worse yet – sports fans have hardly noticed. Irrelevance, anyone?

The LPGA intends to expand its fan base and grow the sport, and the organization needs to increase interest from non-traditional consumers. If the world’s best golfer – a woman who is universally acclaimed for her polite interaction with fans and sponsors and for playing and winning the right way – can’t attract new people to the sport, who will? Are we to believe that, say, Christina Kim, a mid- to upper-tier player with a flair for fashion and a history of outlandish remarks, will attract new interest? Maybe. But, probably not for the golf.

Maybe the LPGA will rebound with the economy. Perhaps it will become less about the quality of the golf and more about the entertainment value. Whatever happens, Lorena Ochoa has decided she won’t be a part of it. And, unfortunately, judging from the general silence, it sounds like many fans and the media have already forgotten her.

Lorena who?

What do you think the tepid reaction to Ochoa’s departure means for the future of the LPGA Tour? Speak up – you’ll be one of the few who do.

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And the Lord said, “…these Ballz are good…” and he held them up high.

It’s been a fun year.  Corey and I have learned a great deal about our own interests, skills (and sometimes a lack thereof) in writing, humor and golf. 

But more than anything else we’ve enjoyed the chance we’ve had to interact with you.  The thousands hundreds many fans, frequent readers and even the trolls who have bothered to read stuff that we come up with.

You’re the bestest.

We never started the blog with any intent other than writing what we we found amusing, annoying, interesting and most importantly, unique.  We think we’ve usually hit the mark in that regard, and plan to continue doing so for as long as it remains fun.

Look for a contest or two in the coming weeks to celebrate our first birthday, until then here’s a big ole NiceBallz hug & kiss. 

Now we’ve got to go blow out some candles.

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Style is of course a highly personal thing.  One man’s accessory, is another man’s sports equipment.  

Given this, I don’t claim that what I like you will.  But I wanted to share what I’ve invested in (for the FTC read -spent my own money on/not FREE) for my spring ensemble.

First up, shirts.  I love a good wicking shirt now and again.  The golf course is the only place that you can still wear polyester and feel normal. That said, most of the shirts from Nike, Adidas et al have one thing in common – they’re too plain and/or hideous.

Which is why I have purchased the Triple Bogey Marshal shirt this year.  Not only does it offer a fun wrinkle in on course fashion, I’m planning to use the ‘Marshal’ designation emblazoned on the back as license to routinely ignore slow play violations and hit on cart girls.

Triple Bogey also has a number of other unique takes on golf apparel, I encourage you check out their site. If it’s not your style I can bet a niece/nephew/son/daughter may well be into it.

Next up, shoes.  I recently invested in a pair of Ecco shoes.  And am a huge fan of the Ecco’s Freddy Couples wore at The Masters this year.

That said, Ecco shoes aren’t cheap.  You pay for the fashion statement and another golf shoe offers a distinct look for roughly half the price.  Kikkor has a range of shoes that come with spikes (unlike Ecco’s Freddy Couples boat shoes) and a range of colors from black to the striking Eppik Ocean you see below.

Function and fashion?  We can only be talking about gloves. 

Asher Golf has a few styles out, the Birdy (pictured below) and the Death Grip are my favorites.  Certainly not the cheapest gloves you can find, and if you’re like me and you wear gloves out quickly you probably will get these for special occasion outings.  Maybe it’s that group of old college buddies that you golf with once a year that you want to subtly ‘give the bird’ to during the course of your round, no matter how well, or poorly you’re playing.  It’s a fun, irreverent style and that’s right up our alley.

Lastly, what about your noggin yo?  I’ve been partial to the fedora style hats of late.  Christina Kim has clearly followed my lead (pictured below) adopted this as a replacement for her Kangol look.  I’ve been wearing these for about a year now and while the fedora’s aren’t useful for ball marker clips, they do stand out on the course and provide good shade and ventilation. 

So those are some of my favorites (so far) in 2010.  I’m sure there will be others that come up and I’ll share them from time to time.  Personally I can’t wait for Corey’s Fashionista File.  It’s sure to be…revealing.

Until then…remember the most important rule in fashion – you’ve GOT to coordinate.

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**********

In case you don’t know who F.I.G.J.A.M. is, then clearly you’re not a reader of Wei Under Par.

For all two of you who don’t know, it is reportedly Phil Mickelson’s nickname bestowed upon him by some fellow tour pros. 

It stands for: F*ck I‘m Good, Just Ask Me!

Funny stuff. I respect a good nickname like anyone else. And NiceBallz is not above poking fun at Phil on occasion.

But here’s the thing that I don’t get and doubt I ever will, barring Mickelson being found with his pants around his ankles, delivering a shot out of the deep rough to his kids’ nanny while Amy is in the hospital being treated for cancer.

I don’t get when people say they ‘hate him’ or find him to be a ‘phony’ or ‘think he’s a jerk.’

Arguably many who say those things are fans. And fans, if nothing else, have an inalienable right to hate or love certain athletes if for no other reason than what color jersey they wear, or for other equally meaningless reasons.

However, there are those anonymous tour players who supposedly created the F.I.G.J.A.M. nickname, and secretly whisper into the ears of mainstream media reporters and bloggers alike about how Phil is really just a big phony and all the knuckle bumping, cap tipping and autograph signing is just for the cameras.

To that I say: Who is the real phony? 

Golf is meant to be a gentleman’s game (allegedly) and yet unnamed touring pros who have Tiger Woods to thank for the ridiculous checks they have a chance to cash every week can also thank guys like Mickelson, Vijay, Padraig, Sergio and many more who came before them for their livelihood.  These are the guys who (admittedly with Tiger leading the way) have made being a touring professional on the PGA a dream gig, even if you hover somewhere around 60th on the money list.

In fact, here’s an excerpt from the GQ article that was among the first to publicly throw out the F.I.G.J.A.M. name:

Most recently, Mickelson blew off the 2005 Tour Championship, though the PGA was in the midst of negotiating its new TV contract. One reporter says, “The Tour was trying to come up with a plan that would make the networks happy, so it wouldn’t have to give back a lot of money, and here’s the number three player in the world skipping the premier season-ending event. Other players said, ‘How about helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich?’”

Wow…‘helping the rest of us who aren’t as rich.’ Yeah, those PGA touring pros. When will they get decent healthcare and a good living wage? For God’s sake, someone think of the little future golfers of the world … think of the children!

Here’s a novel idea for that player and any other who whines about Mickelson behind his back … play better … earn more money … get more endorsements, and generally shut up.

Either Mickelson has anti-Christ like charm that results in his ability to fool half the golfing population (at least) into thinking he’s a good guy, or -wait for it - a handful of people are jealous of his incredible talent, wealth, stature, public recognition and fan adoration and they take the opportunity to anonymously piss and moan about him behind his back.

Golly. Which seems more likely?

To be clear, I’m not a Phil fanboy. Or a Tiger fanboy for that matter. I think I generally have the same attitudes about them as most rationale people do. 

Tiger is amazing, arguably the best ever and his talent combined with his results speak for themselves.

Phil is also an amazing talent who, were it not for one Eldrick Woods, probably would be considered by many as the greatest of his time. He also seems to generally be a good person, and someone who takes the time to try and make any fans interaction with him as meaningful as possible. 

But neither of them are perfect. Far from it. We’ve all seen some of Tiger’s less-than-admirable traits. Phil is probably just better at concealing his from the public.

So what? After all, how many of us would like the whole world to know what self-centered, petty and immature characters we can be at any given time? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

If some touring pro has a beef with Mickelson I’d have a great deal more respect for them if they just came out, ON THE RECORD and said: “Look, I think the guy is a jerk and here is why…” than I do for any anonymous source who is content to whine about why Mickelson isn’t doing more to help make them rich. Or why he’s really not that nice … or that he’s arrogant. 

We’re sure he has a fully-formed ego like any top athlete, so let’s not even get into the irony of one pro calling another arrogant. Puhhhlleeease.

Sports are sports and they’ll always have their share of heels and heroes. We all inherently find reasons to like or dislike certain athletes.

But for the touring pros who can’t stop themselves from acting like a catty sorority member on pledge night when it comes to their fellow professionals, maybe they should stop and just take a look at Y.E. Yang, Angel Cabrera, Lucas Glover and Stewart Cink for some perspective on what is going to get them further – gossip or goals?

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Say what you will about the ad, personally I think it’s pretty low to try and repair your image by unearthing (nyuk nyuk) your deceased father’s voice.

That said, Wieden + Kennedy have never been shy to poke at controversy.  In fact they often welcome it, and in many ways it’s a brilliant move.  To some the ad is thought provoking. To others enraging. To virtually all – it stirs a reaction.  The worst thing the first Nike ad with Tiger (post scandal) could have done was to look or feel watered down and ’safe’. 

And for those who may respect the concept but despise the Machiavellian mindset that made it a reality – take heart!  There are parodies.  The few we’ve found so far are below, but we’ll update this post with more as they appear – and yes…they WILL appear. 

Jimmy Kimmel Live – starts at about 1:45 of the clip and is pretty awesome, and so far the best of the bunch

Remember thisfrom Ferris Bueller?  Ooooh yeeeeeaaaahhh….

Christian Bale will NOT be ignored in the remix (language NSFW)

And this Tarantino-esque version may be the most apt considering Tiger’s day 1 Masters performance

Got a favorite that we haven’t shared?  Or just thoughts on which you like best?  Let us know.  Or just watch The Masters.  It’s what we’re doing.

Update #1 – Colbert kills it (h/t Busbee)

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