In the wake of the Doug Barron doping scandal we set out to probe every orifice of the issue of drugs in golf.
In doing so we came across an individual claiming to be ‘Dealer X’ the individual responsible for providing Doug Barron with the substance that got him into trouble.
What follows is a transcript of our conversation with Dealer X who sheds light on the dark abyss of drugs in golf.
NBZ: Doug Barron huh? Wouldn’t know that he was on the juice.
Dealer X: Dude, he’s not on anything other than Tylenol and a little estrogen I scored from a nurse I was dating.
NBZ: You mean you sold him bogus stuff?
Dealer X: Look at him.You tell me. Sure he’s got a receding hairline but no acne and his belly is bigger than his chest. Though with the estrogen it’s catching up.
NBZ: So what set off the positive result?
Dealer X: I think it was my dog’s medication that I sold him. He just showed up at my place unexpected and I was out of Tylenol so I gave him some of Rusty’s hip pain medication. I think there is a steroid in it for anti-inflammation. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s wormed now.
NBZ: He showed up at your place seeking drugs?
Dealer X: Yeah, he was all pumped up, not literally…again look at him. But he was emotionally high. That placebo effect is for real man you know that? Anyway he said he was feeling better than ever and powering it off the tee like 275 yds. I guess that’s good or something.
NBZ: Are you dealing to any other players?
Dealer X: Yeah man, but I’m not going to tell you who. I’ve already lost one client now. Plus, it’s not like I’m giving them real performance enhancers…or anything illegal.
NBZ: What are you giving them besides Tylenol and canine meds?
Dealer X: If they ask for Deca DurabolinI give them saline solution. If they ask for Dianabol tablets I give them chiclets. Basically my house is full of candy and over the counter meds.
NBZ: What about more recreational drugs…do you dabble there?
Dealer X: Oregano my man. It still works on the newbs.
NBZ: Don’t you feel a little guilty for ripping them off?
Dealer X: No way man, in this economy you gotta do what you can. I haven’t scored this easy of a revenue stream since I ground up candy cigarette’s and sold them to frat boys as coke. By the way…don’t ever snort that.
Hack is a pen name for a marketing and media relations professional who enjoys blogging as a means to pursue his passion for his favorite sport – golf. He represents the yin to his collaborator’s yang. He doesn’t so much play golf, as the game plays him to his delight and likely demise. Follow his perspective on Twitter at @
He looks wormed. Either wormed or suffering from the Wine Flu. Given the media attention probably transitioning to the Whine Flu.
Too bad he wasn’t selling the real deal. I was hoping to get some Children’s Motrin Cold without having to show my ID.